We live in a world where everyone is offended by something. I learned a lesson very recently someone was offended by something which in the conventional sense was innocuous. The situation got worse as it usually does on social media thanks to the usual fun-seeking elements. Offense can be taken from anything -mind it. It could be the color of a person’s hair, the way they hold a spoon, the tone of their voice, or it could also be because of something they saw on social media — everyone has something they’re sensitive about, and when they come across it, they get upset.
In life, we keep on playing a game: Defense-Offence. Do you remember this practice routine? During my college days, I used to play inter-hostel hockey. Attackers in the same team use to attack a goalpost defended by defenders. Life at work and play especially that on social and mainstream media is a continuous game played. Roles differ occasionally, and teams change but the game continues. Mainstream media creates furor and sometimes with more tragic sequences No one is spared. Be it politicians, actors, or even the last person in the pyramid is not spared from this game.
According to psychology experts, these could be the reasons why people are so easily offended. The best defense against the offense is to understand the mindset of those offended. Learning lessons and trying to avoid such occurrences. One thing to keep in mind is that offensive comments are offensive to the person receiving the comment because that is how they are interpreting the comment. It is how they come to develop this interpretation that varies from person to person. It is also the reason why not all offensive comments are perceived to be offensive. For these reasons, it is important to have a willingness to hear the other perspective first before choosing to dismiss them because they happen to see the world differently. As per experts:
They may be anxious: People who are easily offended may also struggle with anxiety and a need to control their version of the world. They are used to being in control of things in their lives. As a result, they may find themselves needing to control others’ responses as well. Taking offense to a perceived insult can be a function of anxiety in that it requires the other person to acknowledge and potentially tailor their thinking and behavior to match the offended person’s worldview. Essentially, they have a need to see their version of the truth as the only truth, which can help mitigate their experience of anxiety.
They may be driven by guilt: People who have engaged in offensive behavior sometimes have a tendency to overcompensate with moral rectitude as a way to help lessen the guilt they are feeling, as well as convince everyone else (and themselves) that they are not truly a “bad” person. Taking offense can be a way to disown the part of ourselves that might actually agree with what is being said by putting the responsibility on the other person.
They may be insecure: People who feel insecure have often been invalidated and learned others will not respond to their needs in helpful or meaningful ways. They typically have not learned how to get their needs met assertively and often respond in a passive-aggressive manner. As a result, they may find they are more easily offended than others as a way to acknowledge their pain and seek validation of their experience.
They are trying to rewrite a pain from their past: Offensive comments are just that to the listener – offensive. Offensive comments tend to strike deeply at a past pain that has not been worked through yet. Being offended is a way to validate and address the pain by speaking to it and for it in the moment and in a way a person may not have been able to do in the past.
They maybe are pawns in a different scheme of things: Sometimes people with vested interests and the mindset of having fun at expense of others may instigate the perception of the offense taken.
But then what’s your defense against those who offend you or vice-versa? Experts say:" Examine your reactions. It’s never a bad idea to consider your own behavior. Do you perceive things clearly? Is there anything you can do differently to ease the tension? Don’t fall into an ongoing battle of passive aggression. Be explicitly clear that you are uncomfortable and would like to address the problem that exists between you”. I recently put this to practice with someone I was butting heads with at work. We agreed on common objectives and established clear ownership of the various tasks we shared, and it made a big difference. Further “If someone is targeting you, engage with them privately and honestly. Give them a voice. It’s possible this person is acting out because they don’t feel heard. Perhaps they believe you’ve slighted them in some way when it’s only a misunderstanding. Don’t get defensive. As soon as you stop listening and start defending yourself, they’ll lose interest and you’ll solve nothing. Whatever you do, don’t fall into a tit-for-tat situation. If this person is digging at you, don’t entertain the idea of responding in kind. A game of negativity ping-pong only makes things worse. Don’t ever give someone power over you. You have complete authority over your actions and emotions, which is an empowering realization. Don’t fall into the trap where you start blaming someone else for your inappropriate response or decline in performance. Minimize the brain’s threat responses and maximize its reward responses. Based on the SCARF Model, developed by the Director of the NeuroLeadership Institute, David Rock, there are five domains that influence our emotional and behavioral reactions to situations at work (status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, and fairness). For example, micromanaging is often a threat to autonomy, while trust is a reward".
Be equipped in this game of Offense and Defense. Good Luck!
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