P J of the Day

 

 

 

What kind of shoes do frogs love?
Open-toad!

 

Why did the student eat his homework?

Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

 

 

What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach?

“Freeze. You’re under a vest.”

 

What kind of math do birds love?

Owl-gebra!

 

I wish COVID-19 had started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

 

Why did the soccer player take so long to eat dinner?

Because he thought he couldn’t use his hands

 

Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon? Because it was full.

 

What would bears be without bees?
Ears.

 

Justice is a dish best-served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater. 

 

I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.

I told him, "Mark, my words."

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She kept running away from the ball!

 

What do you call an angry carrot?
A steamed veggie.

 

Where was King David’s temple located?

Beside his ear.

 

How do you make an egg-roll?
You push it!

 

I looked in the mirror today and found my first gray hair.
I'm so upset I might dye

 

What kind of car does an egg drive?

A yolkswagen.

 

What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry?

58!

 

How do rabbits travel?
By hareplanes.

 

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore.

 

What do cows read the most?
Cattle-logs.

 

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.

 

I lost an electron.

You really have to keep an ion them!

 

I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.

 

 Why aren't Koalas bears?
Because they don't meet the koalafications

 

The storm last night made a tree fall and took out 25% of our roof.

Oof.

 

How does a polar bear build a house?
Igloos it together

 

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats buoyant

 

What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?
A Lamborghini

 

Which bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh!

 

What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator 

 

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store.

I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up

 

What did Tennessee?

The same thing as Arkansas

 

 

What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet?

Reali-tea.

 

 

Why can't Albert Einstein paint?
Because he's dead 

 

I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!" 

I really miss my sense of pessimism.
I don't think I'll ever get it back.

 

The word "diputseromneve" may look ridiculous.
But it’s even more stupid backwards.

 

How do you get a country girls attention?
A tractor. 

 

Every morning I announce to my family that Im going jogging but then I dont go.

It’s a running joke.

 

 

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

Because b shells are too small and d shells are too big

 

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon 

 

When my wife is upset I let her colour in my tattoos

She just needs a shoulder to crayon

 

 

My brother tells me things arent so bad we could be trapped in a hole filled with water

I know he means well

 

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe

 

 

I got my dad: He put down his fork and said "I'm pretty full."

I quickly replied, "You're even prettier empty."

 

 

 

 7 8 and 9 walked into a bar.
8 was kicked out because it was mean.

 

Today my doctor told me that my DNA was backwards.
I said, "And?"

 

Today completes 1 year since I started paying the gym and I'm still fat

I think I'll need to go there personally and check what's wrong

 

Whats the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can’t hear an enzyme 

 

i asked a girl for a date and she said I had a face like the back of a boat

I didn't reply but I gave her a stern look.

 

What do you call an elephant that doesnt matter ?
Irrelephant

 

How do you count cows?

A: With a cowculator.

 

 

I said it before I'll say it again
I said it before

 

If you put a squirrel up to your ear and listen very closely

You can hear exactly what it’s like to be attacked by a squirrel.

 

I forgot to pay my exorcist.
I got repossessed.

 

Why aren't there many films about Abraham Lincoln?
He doesn't do well in theaters. 

 

My friend told me about a dog that ran 10 miles to retrieve a stick.

But that story sounds a little far fetched.

 

 

What did the man say to the stranger who stole his glasses?

I'll find you, I've got contacts.

 

 

What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

 

I just read a book about Helium. It was so good that I can't put it down

 

Why did the coach go back to the bank?

To get his quarterback!

 

 

Q: What did the 30-degree angle say to the 90-degree angle?

A: "You think you're always right!"

 

Before the crowbar was mainstream
Crows just drank at home 

 

Tom’s wife left him because of my gambling addiction..

But he just knew he can win her back!

 

 

What's Harry Potter's way to get to the bottom of a hill? Running...JK! Rolling.

 

Why should you never play poker at the zoo? Too many cheetahs 

 

Where do cows go on Friday night? To the MOOOOOvies

 

I'm an anesthesiologist. I get to pass gas for a living.

 

How much room is needed for fungi to grow? A. As mushroom as possible

  

He got down on one knee and she pulled out a gun.

She wasn’t familiar with the rules of engagement.

 

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, he is

 

 

I heard that by law you have to turn your car lights on when it's raining in Sweden..

But how am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden...?!!

 

 

Can February March?
No. But April May 

 

What did the grouchy old Italian man say to the annoying tourist?
Get off Milan!

 

 

Did you know Protons have Mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic 

 

What has four wheels and fly's?
A garbage truck. 

 

Why did historians used to refer to the middle ages as the "dark ages"?

Because there were so many knights

 

What is the opposite of Ladyfingers?
Mentos

 

I blocked someone after he corrected my grammar
It felted good

 

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

 

To be frank
I’d have to change my name.

 

What color is the wind?
Blew

 

What do you call a beehive without an exit?

Unbelievable

 

What is it called when two celebrities are fighting?
Star wars. 

 

Two wrongs don't make a right!
But three lefts do!

 

What do you give a lemon when it gets injured?
Lemon Aid.

  

If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping pong and he died what would they put on his coffin?

A lid.

 

 

What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta.

 

Highly Educated people are hotter
Because they have more degrees 

 

Somebody stole all my energy.
Damn joule thieves… 

 

Did you hear about the guy who got in trouble for putting too much sodium in someone's food?

He was arrested for a-salt

 

 

Why was the docked ship taken under custody?
Because it was harbouring fugitives.

 

Why couldn't anyone play cards on Noah's Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck. 

 

Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?
Because you can't c in the dark

 

 hat do you get when you mix a car, a fly and a pet?
A flying carpet.

 

Just so everybody's clear
I’m going to put my glasses on 

 

If you are taking a Calculus exam make sure you dont sit between identical twins.

It’s difficult to differentiate between them.

 

What do you call a nose with no body?
No body nose

   

 

I have a phobia of over engineered buildings. I have a complex complex complex

 

A roman walks into a cafe holds up 2 fingers and gets 5 coffees.

 

I used to know a lot of science jokes, but now they argon.

 

Do you want to know how often I say element jokes?
Periodically.

 

What does Delaware? New Jersey! 

 

Teacher: “John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?” John: “You told me to do it without using tables.”

 

WOMEN WANT GUYS TO BE 6FT.
I cannot fathom why.

  

What time is it when the clock strikes 13? A: Time to get a new clock.

 

Never confide in a vacuum cleaner. They’re always collecting dirt

 

What do you call a guy who’s really loud? Mike. 

 

 I’ve joined a new dating agency for arsonists.

They send me new matches every day, so it’s guaranteed I’m getting a hot date eventually.

 

 

 

I programmed a pirate game, but users said the main character doesn’t look enough like a pirate.

There will be a patch soon.

 

 

I tripped over a box of Kleenex this morning and thought I had broken my ankle.

Thankfully, it was just soft tissue damage.

It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.

It’s not the end of the word.

 

What do you call a fish with a bow tie?
Sofishticated. 

 

 ACCIDENTALLY STEPPED IN WET CEMENT IN THE FRONT WALKWAY OF THIS BUILDING BECAUSE I WAS IN A RUSH TO GET TO MY FIRST JOB INTERVIEW.

I’m pretty sure I left a bad impression.

 

 

I HAD A HARD TIME FIGURING OUT WHY I DON’T CONSIDER COTTAGE CHEESE TRULY “CHEESE”.

But it’s just a curd to me.

 

 

I’VE FORMED A GROUP CALLED “THE PALINDROMES”.

Our first single, out now, is “If I Had A Hi-Fi”.

 

 

I’M AT THE AIRPORT AND THERE’S A WOMAN COMPLETELY PASSED OUT ON THE BAGGAGE CAROUSEL!

She’s slowly coming around now.

 

 

 

DEVIL: THIS IS THE LAKE OF LAVA YOU WILL BE SPENDING ETERNITY IN.

Me: Actually, since we’re underground, it would be magma.

Devil: You understand this is why you’re here, right?

 

 

WHY DO PEOPLE WHO HAVE TIKTOK GET SICK?
Because of all the influenzas. 

 

IT WAS ON THE THIRTEENTH DAY OF THE THIRTEENTH MONTH THAT I REALIZED …

I will never buy a cheap calendar again.

 

WHY DO ALL WITCHES WEAR BLACK?
So you can’t tell which witch is which. 

 

MY DOCTOR JUST DIAGNOSED ME WITH A SEVERE LACK OF AWARENESS.

That came out of nowhere.

 

 

WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, EVERYONE HAD A WRISTWATCH.

Nowadays, almost no one wears one.

How times have changed.

 

 

WHY DON’T GHOSTS LIKE TO TAKE SHOWERS?
Because it dampens their spirits. 

 

 Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake

 

WHY WAS THE CHILD’S BLANKET ARRESTED?
For being an accessory to a kid napping. 

 

IF YOU’RE IN NEED OF A JOB, YOU COULD TRY SEARCH AND RESCUE.

They’re always looking for people.

 

 

INSTEAD OF NAMING MY SON DREW, I NAMED HIM DRIEW.

It’s only weird if you say it backwards.

 

MIDWIVES DESERVE A LOT OF RESPECT.
They really help people out. 

 

WHAT’S THE WORST PART OF AN APPLE ADDICTION?
You can’t see a doctor about it.

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GUY POURING WATER INTO A GLASS?
Phil.

 

MY HUSBAND DIED AND AFTERWARDS, I COULDN’T EVEN LOOK AT ANOTHER MAN FOR ALMOST 20 YEARS.

But now that I’m out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.

 

 

SOMEONE KEEPS DROPPING OFF RANDOM LEGO BLOCKS IN FRONT OF MY DOOR EVERY MORNING.

I don’t know what to make of it.

 

A 5-SIDED FIGURE IS A PENTAGON, AND A 6-SIDED FIGURE IS A HEXAGON. WHAT SHALL WE CALL A 2-SIDED FIGURE?

Let’s just let bigons be bigons.

 

 

TERRIBLE NIGHT LAST NIGHT. DREAMT SOMETHING BIT ME ON THE NECK.

Got up to check, but the mirror wasn’t working.

 

 

JOB INTERVIEWER: WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 5 YEARS?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

 

WHO RUNS MEXICAN AMAZON?
Jeff Pesos. 

 

WHOEVER INVENTED DENTURES MISSED OUT ON CALLING THEM …
Substitooths.

  

PEOPLE ARE GETTING STRONGER.

20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.

Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!

 

 

 

I’M A PROFESSIONAL COUNTERFEITER.
Look, I even have the documents to prove it.

SOMEBODY KEEPS SENDING ME FLOWERS WITH THE HEADS CUT OFF.

I think I’m being stalked.

 

 

I DON’T LIKE MATH PUNS.
But I will make one if I half two.

 

 

MY DAUGHTER BROUGHT A FRIEND FROM SCHOOL AND SHE SAID HIS GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER WAS COMING TO PICK HIM UP LATER.

I was impressed and asked, “Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?”

My daughter answered: “It’s because of my friend’s stutter.”

 

 

DID YOU KNOW THE MAGNIFYING GLASS WAS INVENTED BY A CHINESE GUY?

Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh.

 

 

LOOK, I’M ALL FOR COLORING BOOKS …

But connect-the-dots? That’s where I draw the line.

 

 

WHAT DID THE EARTH SAY AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE?
Sorry! My fault.

 

WHY DID THE DAD WHO WENT OUT FOR PASTA GET LOCKED OUT?
He had gnocchi.

  

 

I WAS DRIVING TO THE AIRPORT TO CATCH MY FLIGHT WHEN I SAW A SIGN THAT SAID: “AIRPORT LEFT”.

So I turned around and went home.

 

 

I’M NOT A FAN OF ELEVATOR MUSIC.
It’s bad on so many levels.

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN IN DEBT?
Owen.

  

 

MY WIFE SENT ME A TEXT SAYING, “YOUR THE BEST!”

To which I replied, “No, you’re the best!”

She’s been on cloud 9 ever since, feeling so loved and in love.

I don’t have the heart to tell her that I was just correcting her grammar.

 

 

 

I MET MY WIFE AT THE GLUE FACTORY WHERE WE BOTH WORKED.
We bonded immediately.

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL A SAMURAI WHO IS BAD AT GRAMMAR?
Me or Sam.

 

HOW DO MR. AND MRS. POTATO HEAD SOLVE THEIR ARGUMENTS?
They hash it out.

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL A KNIGHT MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF FINE CHINA?
Sir-amic.

  

 

 A HISTORY DEGREE IS USELESS.
There’s no future in it.

 

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF A PIANO FELL ON YOU?
You’d b-flat.

 

WHAT DID THE ELECTRICIAN’S BOSS SAY WHEN HE CAME LATE TO WORK?
Wire you insulate? 

 

WHERE DO SPIDERS SEEK HEALTH ADVICE?
WebMD.

 

WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN A GIRAFFE SWALLOWS A TOY JET?
A plane in the neck. 

 

TOM LOST THREE FINGERS ON HIS RIGHT HAND, SO HE ASKED HIS DOCTOR IF HE WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO WRITE WITH IT.

Doctor said, “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

 

 

THREE GOLF CLUBS WALK INTO A BAR.

The putter orders a beer and the wedge orders a whiskey.

The bartender asks the third one if he wants anything.

He replies, “No thanks, I’m the driver.”

 

 

I SAID TO MY DAUGHTER, “I NEED A BATTERY SO I CAN TELL THE TIME.”

She asked, “Is it for a clock?”

I answered, “I don’t know! That’s why I need the battery!”

 

 

  

THREE GOLF CLUBS WALK INTO A BAR.

The putter orders a beer and the wedge orders a whiskey.

The bartender asks the third one if he wants anything.

He replies, “No thanks, I’m the driver.”

 

HOW ARE PARKING SPACES MEASURED?
In parking meters.

 

I’M QUITTING MY JOB AT THE CHEMICAL FACTORY.
It’s a toxic workplace. 

 

I USED TO BE A BUS DRIVER BUT I HAD TO QUIT.

I was fed up of people talking behind my back.

 

WHY DOES A FORK HAVE FOUR PRONGS?
Because if it had less it would be called a threek.

  

THE RECIPE FOR MARBLE CAKE IS NOT WHAT YOU MIGHT FIRST THINK IT IS.

Totally unrelated topic – does anybody knows a good dentist?

 

 

SOME TREES ARE COMMITTED TO ONE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP AT A TIME.

They practice mahogany.

  

 

I’M TRYING TO CONVINCE MY TEACHER TO GET A NEW HEARING AID.

But he just won’t listen.

 

 

I ASKED MY GERMAN FRIEND IF HE KNEW THE SQUARE ROOT OF 81…
He said no!

  

I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT VIRUSES AND BACTERIA WOULD JUST INVADE MY BODY WITHOUT A PERMISSION.

That makes me sick.

 

 

SOMEONE TOLD ME I’M NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED.
What does that mean?

  

 

HER: THIS ISN’T WORKING BETWEEN US. FOR STARTERS, I’M SICK OF YOUR STUPID JOKES.

Me: I see. And for the main course?

 

 

WHY DID THE ELECTRICIAN FALL IN LOVE WITH EVERY GIRL HE MET?

Because he couldn’t resistor.

 

WHERE IS A BACTERIA’S FAVORITE PLACE TO SIT?
On a stool.

 

I’M NOT A COMPETITIVE PERSON.
I’m always the first to admit it.

 

WHAT CAR SHOULD YOU DRIVE AT THE START OF THE WEEK?
Ford Mondayos.

 

WHY COULDN’T THE COUPLE GET MARRIED AT THE LIBRARY?
Because it was all booked up. 

 

TOM’S WIFE LEFT HIM BECAUSE HE IS OBSESSED WITH AFRICA.

Kenya believe it?

And he has two kids; this divorce is Ghana be so hard on them.

 

 

I FLY OFTEN FOR BUSINESS.

Yesterday, I had three bags to check.

I said, “I’d like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago.”

The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, “We can’t do that!”

I said, “Why not? You did it last week.”

 

 

DID YOU KNOW MOST EGYPTIAN PEOPLE ARE RELATED TO THE SAME PHARAOH?

They have Tut-in-common.

 

 

WHILE AT THE GROCERY STORE, BE CAREFUL NOT TO KNOCK OVER THE CABBAGE DISPLAY.

Heads will roll.

 

 

I THINK MY HOUSE IS HAUNTED BY THE GHOST OF A CHICKEN.
I may have a poultrygeist.

 

 

I’M A DOCTOR AND I TOLD A PATIENT THAT HE NEEDED TO SEE A RETINA SPECIALIST BUT HE ADAMANTLY DISAGREED.

He eventually stopped seeing me.

 

 

I FINALLY REALIZED WHY TREES DON’T HAVE TEETH.

Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.

 

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL TWO OCTOPUSES WHO LOOK THE SAME?
Itentacle. 

 

AS AN EXECUTIONER, I OFTEN ASK PRISONERS FOR THEIR LAST REQUESTS.

My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging.

 

WHAT’S A DEMON’S FAVORITE HANDWRITING STYLE?
Cursive. 

 

I SIGNED UP FOR BINARY 101 BUT FAILED IT MISERABLY.

I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.

 

 

I LOVE WATCHING PROGRAMMES ABOUT LAKES AND RIVERS ON THE INTERNET.

Anything water related really.

I’m actually watching a live stream right now.

 

 

PEOPLE THINK GRASS DON’T BE WET IN THE MORNING.
But it dew.

 

WHY IS BILLY JOEL’S LAUNDRY STILL WET?
“He Didn’t Start The Dryer.”

  

MY FRIEND HAD A BUSINESS SELLING BONSAI TREES.

He was so successful he had to move into smaller premises!

 

 

THIS MORNING I SAW A GUY DRAGGING A CLAM ON A LEASH.

And I thought, “It must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.”

 

MY WIFE WANTED TO GO ON VACATION BUT I WANTED A STAYCATION.

So we compromised and had an altercation.

 

 

I’M CREATING AN APP TO FIND QUALIFIED ELECTRICIANS IN YOUR AREA.

It’s called Wattsapp.

 

 

DURING CHEMISTRY CLASS, I LEARNED THAT SULPHUR DIOXIDE SHOULD NEVER BE POURED INTO A METAL CONTAINER.

It’s just an oxidant waiting to happen.

 

 

WHAT KIND OF DRUG SHOULD DINOSAURS NEVER TAKE?
A steroid.

 

WHAT DID THE RIVER SAY WHEN IT SAW BEAVERS APPROACHING?
Well I’ll be dammed!  

 

WHAT BRANCH OF THE MILITARY DO HORSES JOIN?
The neigh-vy

 

I RECENTLY RAN AN ULTRAMARATHON IN NORTHERN SWEDEN.

I realized that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

 

WHY DID THE SUN MOVE AWAY FROM THE STARS?
He wanted space.

  

A FRIEND ASKED ME TO PLAY THE PART OF BRUTUS IN AN UPCOMING PLAY ABOUT JULIUS CAESAR.

I said I’d take a stab at it.

 

I WAS SO ANGRY EARLIER THAT I THREW MY KEYBOARD AGAINST THE WALL AND PARTS FLEW EVERYWHERE.

That’s when the shift hit the fan.

 

MY BROTHER GOT A STAR WARS TATTOO ON HIS CHEEK.

You should’ve seen the Luke on his face

 

HOW DO YOU EAT A HARD DRIVE?
One byte at a time! 

 

 BARBERS, EH?
You sure do have to take your hat off to them.

 

 

IF WE ARE TO BE SERIOUS ABOUT SAVING THE PLANET, WE SHOULD STOP PRINTING CALENDARS.

They’re the reason our days are numbered.

 

 

MY KIDS REFUSED TO EAT LEFTOVER TACOS FOR DINNER, SO MY WIFE ASKED ME TO THROW THEM OUT.

I did. Now I have no idea what to do with the tacos.

 

 

I THOUGHT MY NEW JOB DIGGING TUNNELS WOULD BE EXCITING.
Turns out it’s boring.

 

WHERE DOES 007 INVEST HIS MONEY?
Bonds. Stocks and bonds.

  

WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN THAT HAS BEEN MARRIED AND DIVORCED MULTIPLE TIMES?

Lord of the Rings.

 

 

MY BARTENDER FRIEND JUST BROKE UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND.

He keeps asking her for another shot.

 

 

A FRIEND OF MINE IS KNOWN FOR SWEEPING GIRLS OFF THEIR FEET.

He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

 

 

WHAT WOULD WONDER WOMAN AND SPIDER-MAN NAME THEIR BUSINESS?
Amazon Web Services. 

 

DENTIST: “WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU FLOSSED?”

Shaking my head. “Dude, you were there!”

 

 

MY GRANDMA ALWAYS USED TO SAY, “AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY. ”

I don’t know if that’s true, or just one of Granny’s myths

 

 

STUDIES SAY MOST STABBINGS ARE COMMITTED BY SOMEONE CLOSE TO THE VICTIM.

Within arm’s length, to be specific.

 

 

MY WIFE SAYS SHE IS THINKING OF LEAVING ME BECAUSE OF MY OBSESSION WITH POKER.

But I think she’s bluffing.

 

 

I GOT PULLED OVER TODAY AND THE COP ASKED IF I KNEW WHY HE PULLED ME OVER…

I replied, “Is it because you want to see how tall I am?”

He said, “Step out of the car, sir.”

See, I knew it…

 

 

WHY DID THE BLACKSMITH GO TO JAIL?
For forgery.

 

WHY DID THE PROGRAMMER QUIT HIS JOB?
Because he didn’t get arrays. 

 

HUSBAND: “SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND THAT MEN SAY ABOUT 10,000 WORDS A DAY, WHILE WOMEN SAY ABOUT 20,000…”

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): “It’s because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!”

Husband: “What?”

 

 

WHAT HAPPENS IF THE AVERAGE NUMBER OF BULLIES AT A SCHOOL GOES UP?

The mean increases.

 

 

I CAN’T STAND HOMELESS PEOPLE.

Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.

 

 

I’VE JUST APPLIED FOR A JOB IN A SALAD PACKING FACTORY.

The hours are terrible, but the celery is good.

 

 

WHAT KIND OF MUSIC DO LAWN CARE SPECIALISTS LISTEN TO?
Motown.

 

WHAT’S KAREN’S FAVORITE DRINK?
Whine. 

 

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BIG LEGO SALE?
People were lined up for blocks.

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL A COWARDLY DOG?
A Golden Retreater.

 

NEVER SHOUT INTO A COLANDER.
It’ll strain your voice.

  

 

MY GIRLFRIEND CAME TO ME WITH A BALLOON THAT SAID, “WILL YOU MARRY ME?”

So I popped the question.

 

 

What DO YOU CALL A DAD WHO STUDIED DAD JOKES?
A sigh-entist.

 

ANYONE CAN USE MY FRENCH REVOLUTION JOKE.
It’s royalty free.

 

I THINK MY PHONE IS BROKEN.
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work. 

 

I’M A LOCKSMITH AND ALSO A MUSICIAN.

I recently wrote a song that has a lovely key chang

 

 

HOW DO KLEPTOMANIACS LIKE THEIR EGGS COOKED?
Poached.

  

 

POLICE HAVE CONFIRMED THAT THE MAN WHO FELL FROM THE 15TH FLOOR OF THE NIGHTCLUB…

Was not a bouncer.

 

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL SOMEONE WHO’S ALLERGIC TO BURNT BREAD?
Black toast intolerant.

 

MY GIRLFRIEND POKED ME IN THE EYES…
So I stopped seeing her for a while. 

 

WHEN I FOUND OUT MY TOASTER WASN’T WATERPROOF…
I was shocked. 

 

IN GREEK MYTHOLOGY, CHIRON IS A HALF-MAN HALF-HORSE WHO HAD GREAT KNOWLEDGE OF MEDICINE AND HEALTH.

So he’s a centaur for disease control.

 

 

 

I RECENTLY JOINED A SUPPORT GROUP FOR PEOPLE WHO TALK A LOT.

We call ourselves On and On Ano

 

 

A SHARK CAN SWIM FASTER THAN ME, BUT I CAN RUN FASTER THAN A SHARK.

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

 

PEOPLE CALL ME SELF-CENTERED.
But that’s enough about them. 

 

WHY DO THE COMMUNIST SPIES ALWAYS WALK AROUND IN THREES?

One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

 

I WENT TO THE DOCTOR BECAUSE EVERY TIME I OPENED MY EYES, I VOMITED EVERYWHERE.

He looked me over and said it was the worst case of see sickness he’d ever encountered.

 

 

 

 

IN ANOTHER 3028 YEARS, THERE’S A CHANCE THAT THINGS WILL EITHER BE REALLY GOOD OR REALLY BAD.

It’s 5050.

 

HE HASN’T SOLD A SINGLE COPY OF HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
That’s the story of his life. 

 

COMPLETED IN 1856, BIG BEN WAS DESIGNED BY ARCHITECTS CHARLES BARRY AND AUGUSTUS WELBY PUGIN AND TOOK 13 YEARS TO BUILD.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

 

 

YOU THINK GAS PRICES ARE EXPENSIVE, HAVE YOU SEEN CHIMNEYS?

They’re through the roof.

 

 

MY DOG SWALLOWED A WHOLE BAG OF SCRABBLE TILES SO WE TOOK HIM TO THE VET TO GET HIM CHECKED OUT.

No word yet.

 

 

YESTERDAY I WENT TO THE WORLD’S TINIEST WIND TURBINE EXHIBITION.

Honestly not a big fan.  

 

MY FRIEND WAS A STRUGGLING ARTIST UNTIL HE DECIDED TO JUST DO SCULPTURES.

He made over six figures last year.

 

 

CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT OBLIVIOUS MEANS?
I have no idea. 

 

MY WIFE BEGGED ME TO STOP MAKING POLICE RELATED PUNS.

I said, “Okay, I’ll give it arrest.”

WHAT IS A CHEF’S FAVORITE SOFT DRINK?
Baking soda.

 

WHY ARE LASERS ALWAYS RIGHT?
Because they make a great point. 

 

 I’M GOING TO STOP MAKING TIRE PUNS.
They’re not gaining much traction anyway.

 

DAD, CAN I EAT THE CAKE IN THE FRIDGE?”

“Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable.”

 

I HEARD THEY VOTED TO REMOVE DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME.
I won’t lose any sleep over it.

  

 

I’M REALLY TIRED OF PEOPLE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE PRICE OF EVERYTHING.

$2 for coffee, $3 for coat check, $4 for an hour of parking…

I’m just going to stop inviting them to my house.

 

 

TWO ROBBERS ARE ROBBING A LIQUOR STORE WHEN ONE ROBBER GRABS A BOTTLE AND ASKS THE OTHER ROBBER, “IS THIS WHISKEY?”

The other robber says, “Yeah, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank.”

 

IT’S OFFICIAL. MY CAREER IS IN RUINS.
I just got a job as an archaeologist.

 

TO WHO EVER PUT THE “L” IN NOEL…
Is it that hard to follow simple instructions?

 

 

I WAS ON A TRAIN AND THIS WOMAN OPPOSITE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, “EVERYTIME YOU SMILE, I FEEL LIKE INVITING YOU TO MY PLACE…”

I asked, “Are you single?”

She replied, “No, I’m a dentist.”

 

 

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A VEGAN AND A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER?

One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL A DETECTIVE WHO JUST SOLVES CASES ACCIDENTALLY?
Sheer Luck Holmes.

 

WHAT IS THE HARDEST CULT TO JOIN?
The diffi-cult.

 

ANDREW GARFIELD, TOBEY MCGUIRE AND TOM HOLLAND GOT INTO AN ACCIDENT UPON ARRIVING AT A PARTY.

As it turns out, they’re terrible parallel parkers.

 

 I WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS.

They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership

 

WHAT DOES “IDK” STAND FOR?
I’ve asked lots of people but nobody seems to know.

 

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL SOMEONE WHO STEALS NOODLES FROM THE RICH AND GIVES THEM TO THE POOR?

Ramen Hood

 

 

HOW DOES MUSIC SAY GOODBYE?
Audios! 

 

 

MY BUDDY GOT ARRESTED ON DRUG CHARGES AND BECAUSE IT WAS HIS FIRST OFFENSE, HE THOUGHT HE WOULD GET OFF LIGHTLY, BUT IT TURNED OUT HIS LAWYER WAS ONE OF THE WORST IN THE STATE AND ENDED UP BOTCHING HIS CASE, SO INSTEAD OF GETTING A SHORT TERM, HE ENDED UP GETTING 40 YEARS WITHOUT PAROLE!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

 

 

WHAT DOES ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER CALL A COLONOSCOPY?
Cameron Diaz

  

 

GROWING UP WE DIDN’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY.

I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.

Times were hard.

 

 

PLEASE DON’T USE ODD AND OBSCURE COLOGNES AND PERFUMES…
Common scents, people!

  

 

MY BUDDY JUST GOT A JOB IN MARKETING WITH KELLOGG’S CEREALS.

I guess you could say his job is Raisin Bran awareness.

 

 

MY DENTIST IS A REALLY MEAN GUY.
He always hurts my fillings

 

HOW MUCH DOES AN INFLUENCER WEIGH?
An Instagram 

 

I’VE LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT JUST BY WEARING BREAD ON MY HEAD.

It’s a new loaf hat diet I’m trying.

 

 

I WENT TO A DINER WITH A COUPLE I KNOW, LAST NIGHT, AND THEY STARTED ARGUING.

Now, normally I’m not one to take sides.

But they were so distracted by yelling at each other that I stole her fries and his coleslaw.

 

 

A THIEF STOLE THE WHEELS OFF MY CAR LAST NIGHT.

I’m working tirelessly to catch him.

 

 

GOT HOME FROM WORK TODAY TO FIND MY KIDS HAVE BEEN ON EBAY ALL DAY.

If they’re still there tomorrow I’ll lower the price.

 

WHAT HAPPENS IF SOMEONE SLAPS YOU AT A HIGH FREQUENCY?
It Hertz. 

 

THAT’S THE 10TH PASSENGER TODAY WHO’S CALLED ME A TERRIBLE BUS DRIVER.

I don’t know where these people get off.

 

 

MY WIFE TOLD ME SHE’LL SLAM MY HEAD ON THE KEYBOARD IF I DON’T GET OFF THE COMPUTER.

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljnm,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

 

NEVER BLAME SOMEONE ELSE FOR THE ROAD YOU ARE ON.
That is your own asphalt.

MY GRANDMA IS 80% IRISH.
People call her Iris. 

 

 

ANCIENT EGYPTIAN ARCHITECT: “DO YOU KNOW HOW TO BUILD A PYRAMID?”

Ancient Egyptian builder: “Well, err yeah, up to a point.”

 

 

“SARCASM DOESN’T GET YOU ANYWHERE.”

Me: “Well it got me to the finals of the Sarcasm World Championships in Peru in ’98.”

“Really?”

Me: “No!”

 

 

I DON’T USUALLY BRAG ABOUT GOING TO EXPENSIVE PLACES…

But I just left the gas station.

 

 

TABLETS WERE REPLACED BY SCROLLS.

Scrolls were replaced by books.

Now we scroll through books on tablets.

 

 

DOCTOR, MY CHILD JUST SWALLOWED A ROLL OF FILM. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Well, let’s wait and see if anything develops.

 

MY FRIEND LOST HIS CAR.
I call him Carlos now.

 

I MET A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE MUSEUM IN PARIS.
I think I’m in Louvre. 

 

A JOURNALIST ASKED TIM COOK WHY IPHONES ARE SO EXPENSIVE.

“Well,” said Tim Cook, “That’s because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!”

“Then why are Android phones so much cheaper?” asked the journalist.

“Because,” said Tim Cook, “An Android replaces just one device. The iPhone.”

 

MY WIFE ACCUSED ME OF STEALING HER THESAURUS.

This accusation has made me dumbfounded, awestricken, flabbergasted, stupefied and quite frankly, bewildered.

 

 

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CAMERA AND A FOOT?

A camera has photos while a foot has five toes.

 

 

WHEN I WAS AT THE GROCERY STORE, I ASKED AN EMPLOYEE WHERE THE CEREAL WAS, AND HE SAID, “I’LL SEE.”

And walked off.

Five minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, “I’ll see,” and walked off.

I eventually found it myself.

It was in aisle

 

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL 100 LITTLE SHEEP ROLLING DOWN A HILL?
A lambslide

I HAD A DATE LAST NIGHT.
It was perfect.

Tomorrow I’ll try a grape.

 

 

IF YOU SUCK AT PLAYING TRUMPET…
That’s probably why. 

 

I CAN’T STAND MY WIFE’S IDEAS FOR OUR KITCHEN REDESIGN.

And I’m not convinced by her counterarguments.

 

 

I RECEIVED A WEDDING INVITATION.

It read, “Your presence itself is a present. We don’t want any presents at the wedding.”

After re-reading it repeatedly, I concluded that I wasn’t invited. So I decided not to attend

WHEN I WAS A SINGLE MAN, I HAD LOADS OF FREE TIME.

Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

 

 

MY WIFE SAYS THE SALADS I MAKE TEND TO BE A BIT ON THE DRY SIDE.

It’s definitely something that needs addressing.

 

 

WHY SHOULD YOU ALWAYS BRING TOILET PAPER TO GATHERINGS?

For all the party poopers.

 

WHAT DO YOU GET IF PUT A COPY OF MACBETH ON TOP OF A DICTIONARY?
A play on words

 

DAD: “SON, I NAMED YOU AFTER MY FATHER.”
After my father: “I know.”

I HAVE 2 UNWRITTEN RULES.
1.

2.

 

WHY DON’T SOME COUPLES GO TO THE GYM?
Because some relationships don’t work out.

 

MY WIFE IS THREATENING TO LEAVE ME FOR NEVER PUTTING THE TOILET SEAT DOWN.

To be honest, I’m getting a little tired of carrying it around anyway. 

I VISITED MY NEW FRIEND IN HIS APARTMENT.

He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate visitors.

 

IF A VIKING IS REINCARNATED …
Is he Bjorn again?

 

THIS MORNING I SAW MY NEIGHBOR TALKING TO HER CAT.

It was obvious the poor women thought the cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog… we laughed a lot.

 

 

HOW MANY APPLE ENGINEERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

 

ONCE ENTERED THE WORLD KLEPTOMANIAC CHAMPIONSHIPS.
I took gold, silver, and bronze. 

 

NETFLIX: DO YOU WANT TO WATCH A 10 HOUR MOVIE?

Me: No way! Are you insane?

Netflix: How about I break up the movie into ten 1-hour episodes and you see them all in one sitting?

Me: I am in!

 

 

TOM's WIFE AND TOM ALWAYS FIGHT OVER THE RIGHT WAY TO HANG THE TOILET PAPER ROLL, SO THEIR THERAPIST SUGGESTED THEY TRY THE OTHER PERSON’S WAY FOR A WEEK.

This is called: Roll reversal

 

VIN DIESEL EATS TWO MEALS A DAY.
Breakfast and breakfurious

  

WHAT KIND OF A BEE CAN’T MAKE UP ITS MIND?
A maybee

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL A SAD CUP OF COFFEE?
Depresso.

 

TEQUILA MAY NOT FIX YOUR LIFE.
It’s not even worth a shot. 

 

MY BALLOON ELEPHANT WOULDN’T FIT ON THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR.

So I had to pop the trunk.

 

MY WINDSHIELD WAS COVERED IN ICE THIS MORNING AND I DIDN’T HAVE A PROPER SCRAPER TO REMOVE IT SO I USED MY STORE DISCOUNT CARD.

But I only got 20% off.

 

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE ANCIENT ROMANS HAD FOUR TYPES OF POISON?

Poisons I, II, and III instantly killed the victim upon contact.

Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy.

 

 

I JUST SCORED A 170 ON AN ONLINE IQ TEST AND ONLY HAD TO ANSWER THREE SIMPLE QUESTIONS:

1. My credit card number.

2. My social security number.

3. Upload a signed copy of my birth certificate.

 

 

WHY ARE THE GREAT PYRAMIDS IN EGYPT?

Because they were too heavy to carry off to the British museum.

 

 

I SHORTENED THE ROPE ON THE BUCKET USED TO COLLECT THE VILLAGE’S WATER.

Didn’t go down well.

 

I’M STARTING A FLIGHT COMPANY EXCLUSIVELY FOR BALD PEOPLE. I’LL CALL IT…

Receding airlines.

 

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN GIRAFFES ARE ALL CRAMMED TOGETHER AND HAVING TROUBLE MOVING?

A giraffic jam.

 

 

TOM WENT FOR A JOB INTERVIEW AND THE INTERVIEWER ASKED HIM TO STATE HIS BIGGEST WEAKNESS IN THREE WORDS.

“Not very good at math,” he replied.

 

WHY CAN’T DRUMMERS COME BACK FROM RETIREMENT?
Because there will be repercussions. 

 

I RAN INTO THE OFFICE THIS MORNING AND SWITCHED THE M AND N KEYS ON AS MANY KEYBOARDS AS I COULD.

Some might call me a monster but …

The rest are definitely goimg to call ne a nomster.

 

 

I NEVER REMEMBER WHAT PEOPLE TELL ME AT NEW YEAR’S PARTIES.

It goes in one year and out the other.

 

 

I WENT TO MACDONALD’S AND ORDERED 2 LARGE FRIES.

They gave me around 75 tiny ones instead.

 

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TOWN THAT LEGALISED POT BUT BANNED ALCOHOL?

The residents were left high and dry.

WHY COULDN’T ANYONE UNDERSTAND THE RETIRED PERFUME MAKER?

Because he no longer made scents.

 

 

I JUST FOUND OUT CANADA ISN’T REAL.
Turns out it was all maple leaf.

 

 I TRIED TO CLIMB A REALLY TALL TOWER IN FRANCE…
But Eiffel off

 

THE COST OF JOINING THE ROMAN NUMERAL SOCIETY WAS EXACTLY $499.

They wouldn’t let me in because I didn’t have ID.

 

 

A MAN WANTS TO DEPOSIT MONEY AT A SWISS BANK.

“How much do you want to deposit?” asks the bank employee.

The man looks around and whispers, “Three million.”

“You can speak up,” says the bank clerk. “In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace

TODAY TOM MADE HIS FIRST MONEY AS A PROGRAMMER.
He sold his own laptop HOW DO TWO ARSONISTS HOOK UP?
A match on tinder 

 

I have put my new Calendar in the freezer as I wanted to start the New Year in Cool Way 

 

I TOLD MY DOCTOR, “YOGA IS THE BEST ANTIDEPRESSANT AVAILABLE.”

“Sounds like a bit of a stretch”, he replied.

 

 

IT’S MY WIFE’S BIRTHDAY AND SHE’S BEEN LEAVING JEWELRY CATALOGS ALL OVER OUR HOUSE SINCE LAST WEEK.

So I got her a magazine rack.

 

 

IF SLOW OLD MEN USE WALKING STICKS, WHAT DO FAST OLD MEN USE?
Hurry canes.

 

WELL, IT’S TIME TO GET MY WINTER CAR READY…
And put away my autumn-mobile.

 

I TOLD MY DAD I WANT TO SEE SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME.

He said, “But son, it’s the same film if you watch it here.”

 

 

For our anniversary, I gave my wife a small picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell

 

 

MY YOGA INSTRUCTOR WAS DRUNK TODAY.

Put me in a very awkward position.

 

TESLAS DON’T HAVE A “NEW CAR” SMELL.

They have an Elon Musk.

 

I MET TOM HANKS ONCE. HE WAS SO RUDE.

I asked for his autograph and all he wrote was thanks.

 

WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO WATCH A FLY FISHING TOURNAMENT?
Live stream.

 

 

TESLA FOUNDER ELON MUSK IS ORIGINALLY FROM SOUTH AFRICA, WHICH IS STRANGE.

You’d think he was from Mad-at-gas-car

 

 

MY DENTIST SAID MY TEETH WERE STAINED.

Then he asked, “Do you smoke or drink coffee?”

I replied, “I drink it!”

 

HOW DID BILBO SURVIVE THE ENTIRE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY?

Because old Hobbits die hard.

 

I ACCIDENTALLY TOOK MY CAT’S MEDS THIS MORNING.
Don’t ask meow

 

WHY DOES DANIEL CRAIG HAVE GREY HAIR IN THE LATEST BOND MOVIE?

Because he has no time to dye.

 

 

What did the horse wish for on its birthday?

A stable economy.

 

WHY WAS PAVLOV’S HAIR SO SOFT?
He conditioned it. 

 

These Days I am having to no time to do Cardio. So I went inside my Car and sprayed some Deo to compensate.

 

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE COP WHO FELL AND BROKE HIS RADIO?
He couldn’t get backup. 

 

ME: HI MY NAME IS JEFF AND I’M AN ALCOHOLIC.

AAA: Sir, this is Triple A, not AA.

Me: I know, I’m trying to explain why my car is in the lake.

 

 

MY WIFI PASSWORD IS “WRITTENONTHEROUTER”…

I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it’s literally “writtenontherouter"

 

 

A WIZARD ASKED ME TO PROOFREAD ONE OF HIS SCROLLS LAST WEEK.

Actually it was more of a spell check.

 

 

I HEARD YOU CAN GET LAWYERS AT IKEA NOW.

They’re very affordable, but you have to build your own case.

 

 

 I HAVE A FEAR OF SPEED BUMPS.
But I am slowly getting over it

 

I’M SORRY TO HEAR THAT HIS UNCLE WAS RUN OVER BY A BOAT IN VENICE.

My gondolences.to him

 

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL A HOTEL BREAKFAST THAT GIVES YOU DIARRHEA?
Incontinental.

 

WHAT’S A LAWYER’S FAVORITE DRINK?
Subpoena colada.

 

WHICH COLOR CAN OPEN YOUR VEHICLE?
Khaki.

 

I USED TO LIVE ON A HOUSEBOAT, AND STARTED SEEING THE GIRL NEXT DOOR.

Eventually we drifted apart.

 

TO THE PERSON WHO STOLE MY PLACE IN THE QUEUE…
I’m after you now.

 

WHAT DID ONE CUPCAKE SAY TO THE OTHER?
You ain’t seen muffin yet.

 

I’M PROUD OF MY JOB AS A PODIUM SALESMAN.
It’s a product I can stand behind.

A PSYCHIC IS BUYING CLOTHES: EMPLOYEE: HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: You didn’t even try it on.

Psychic: I’m a medium.

FOUR ENGINEERS GET INTO A CAR BUT THE CAR WON’T START.

The mechanical engineer says, “It’s a broken starter.”

The electrical engineer says, “Dead battery.”

The chemical engineer says, “Impurities in the gasoline.”

The IT engineer says, “Hey guys, I have an idea, how about we all get out of the car and get back in.”

 

 

IF YOU DRIVE A SUBARU IN REVERSE, WHAT ARE YOU?
U r a bus.

 

WHAT DO DENTISTS CALL X-RAYS?
Tooth pics.

 

MY WIFE SUGGESTED I GET A TELESCOPE, SINCE I WAS SO INTERESTED IN ASTRONOMY.

I told her I’d look into it

 

 

WHAT STARTS WITH AN “O” AND ENDS WITH “NIONS” AND SOMETIMES MAKES YOU CRY?

Opinions.

 

 

WHAT STARTS WITH AN “O” AND ENDS WITH “NIONS” AND SOMETIMES MAKES YOU CRY?

Opinions.

 

WHY ARE SKELETONS ALWAYS SO CALM?
Because nothing can get under their skin. 

 

I AM WRITING A BOOK ABOUT ALL THE THINGS I SHOULD BE DOING IN MY LIFE.

It’s an oughtobiography.

 

 

MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE STARTED A BAND AND CALLED IT “BOOKS”.

So no one can judge us by our covers.

 

 

WHAT DO CARS SPREAD ON THEIR TOAST?
Traffic jam.
 

I THREW A BALL FOR MY DOG.

It’s a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a tuxedo.

 

A BUNCH OF BATTERIES WERE GATHERING AROUND IN A CIRCLE.

I guess they were having an AA-meeting.

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL YOUR AVERAGE ANCIENT GREEK?
Mediocrates.

 

WHAT TYPE OF HOUSE WEIGHS LESS THAN ALL OTHERS?
A lighthouse.

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLACK EYED PEAS AND CHICKPEAS?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song and Chickpeas can only Hummus one.

 

 

I STARTED MY OWN ALL NATURAL FERTILIZER COMPANY RECENTLY.

I guess that makes me an entremanure!

 

 

I SAID TO THE WOMAN AT THE DELI, “I’D LIKE TO BUY A HAM AND CHEESE BAGUETTE WITH PICKLES.”

She said, “Sorry, we only take cash or card.”

 

 

WHY DO THEY CALL THEM LIFTS IN THE UK AND ELEVATORS IN THE US?

Because they’re raised differently.

 

IT’S BEEN MONTHS SINCE I BOUGHT THE BOOK, “HOW TO SCAM PEOPLE ONLINE.”

It still hasn’t arrived yet.

 

BREAD IS A LOT LIKE THE SUN.
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist. 

 

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LITERALIST AND A KLEPTOMANIAC?

A literalist takes things literally.

A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

I FINALLY WAS ABLE TO OPEN MY SHOE STORE FOR ONLY LARGE SIZED SHOES.

Let me tell you, it was no small feet.

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN IRON MAN AND ALUMINUM MAN?

Iron Man stops the bad guys.

Aluminum Man just foils their plans.

 

 

APPARENTLY TO START A ZOO YOU NEED AT LEAST TWO PANDAS, A GRIZZLY AND THREE POLARS.

It’s the bear minimum.

 

I WAS REALLY STRUGGLING TO GET MY WIFE’S ATTENTION.

So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

 

 

WHO’S THE GENIUS THAT DECIDED TO CALL IT “EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE”…

And not “griefcase”.

 

I USED TO MAKE JOKES AT WORK DURING MEETINGS, AND I COULD REALLY GET PEOPLE LAUGHING.

Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online.

I’d still make jokes, but no one would laugh.

Not one.

At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted.

It turns out, they didn’t find me remotely funny.

 

WHAT’S THE MOST HELPFUL MEDICAL PROBLEM?
A cyst. 

 

IF MY NAME WAS DAVID AND I HAD A BOY, I WOULD HAVE TO NAME HIM HARLEY.

That way he could introduce himself, “I’m Harley, David’s son.”

 

 WHAT TYPE OF PEOPLE NEVER GET ANGRY?
Nomads. 

 

I TRIED GETTING A DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT TODAY.

They said to me, “How about 10 tomorrow?”

I said, “Just one is enough.

 

 

FOR HER BIRTHDAY, I TOOK MY WIFE TO AN ORCHARD AND WE STOOD THERE LOOKING AT THE TREES FOR HALF AN HOUR.

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

 

 

I SENT MY SON TO HIS ROOM FOR SAYING JIM MORRISON WAS A TERRIBLE MUSICIAN.

He keeps slamming The Doors.

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL A SEXY FLYING MONKEY?
A hot air baboon.

 

WHAT HAPPENS TO NITROGEN WHEN THE SUN COMES UP?
It becomes daytrogen. 

 

DOES ANYONE KNOW ANY GOOD SWORD FIGHTING PUNS?

I’m trying to think of any words that have a duel meaning.

 

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN INDIAN RESTAURANT AND A VIETNAMESE RESTAURANT?

Indian places are naan profit, Vietnamese places are pho profit.

TOM ACCIDENTALLY DRANK A BOTTLE OF INVISIBLE INK LAST NIGHT.

He is in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

PIRATE LEADER: MEN, I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO SAY THE NUMBER 2 IN ROMAN NUMERALS.

Crew: I I captain.

TOM IS A HOARDER AND REFUSES TO THROW OUT HIS OLD MAGAZINE COLLECTION.

He has a lot of issues.

I ASKED MY DOG WHAT’S TWO MINUS TWO.
He said nothing.

MY INFLATABLE HOUSE GOT A PUNCTURE LAST NIGHT.
Now, I’m living in a flat.

ANYONE WHO CAN SPELL THE WORD DRAWER BACKWARDS…
Will get a reward.

WHY DO LIBRARIANS HATE TENNIS?
Too much racket.

WHY DID THE DAD JOKE (PJ) CROSS THE ROAD?
To get to the other sigh.

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOWL OF MOLDY LETTUCE AND A DEPRESSING SONG?

One is a bad salad, and the other is a sad ballad.

WHY DID THE NURSE TIPTOE PAST THE MEDICINE ROOM?

Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.

I TOLD MY CAT THAT I’M GOING TO TEACH HIM TO SPEAK ENGLISH.

He looked at me and said, “Me? How.”

A MAN IS TOLD THE LOCAL BANK OFFERS MORTGAGES WITH NO INTEREST.

The man enters the bank.

Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage.

Employee: I don’t really care.

TODAY I LEARNED ALBERT EINSTEIN REALLY EXISTED.

I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

I’M THINKING OF A CAREER WHERE I ESTIMATE CROWD SIZES AT DIFFERENT OUTDOOR EVENTS.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

I’VE JUST DELETED ALL THE GERMAN NAMES OFF MY PRE-OWNED IPHONE.

It’s Hans free now.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A LINE OF MEN WAITING TO GET HAIRCUTS?
A barber queue.

HOW MUCH DOES A RAINBOW WEIGH?
Not much, they’re actually pretty light.

A HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR VISITED A PSYCHIC.

“I’ve applied to 10 different colleges,” the student said. “Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?”

“That is hard to say,” said the psychic. “But you will spend an absurd sum of money.”

“How do you know this?” the student asked.

The psychic replied …

“It’s mostly intuition.”

THE BARMAN SAYS, “WHY THE NON-LINEAR STRUCTURE?”

Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

OUR COMPUTERS WENT DOWN AT WORK TODAY, SO WE HAD TO DO EVERYTHING MANUALLY.

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

WHY DOES SHERLOCK HOLMES LOVE MEXICAN RESTAURANTS?
They give him good case ideas.

I QUIT MY JOB AS A SCUBA DIVING INSTRUCTOR AFTER GIVING MY FIRST LESSON.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

FOR HIS BIRTHDAY, I GOT MY SON AN ALARM CLOCK THAT SWEARS AT HIM INSTEAD OF BEEPING.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

I QUIT MY JOB AS A SCUBA DIVING INSTRUCTOR AFTER GIVING MY FIRST LESSON.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

WHY IS A GERMAN STONE INTELLIGENT?
Because it’s not just a stone, it’s ein Stein.

WHAT DO A TICK AND THE EIFFEL TOWER HAVE IN COMMON?
They’re both Paris sites.

WHICH DISNEY PRINCESS SPENDS MOST OF HER DAY ON DATING APPS?
Tinderella.

TOM GOT STUNG BY A BEE ON THE FOREHEAD.

He’s at the ER now, his face all swollen and bruised; he almost died.

Luckily his wife was close enough to hit the bee with her shovel.

BATMAN: “IT’S BEEN A LONG DAY. ALFRED, PLEASE FILL UP THE BATHTUB.”

Alfred: “Master Bruce, what’s a htub?”

I WAS READING A BOOK WHEN MY 5-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW ASKED, “WHY IS THAT BOOK SO THICK?”

I told him, “It’s a long story.”

YOU PAY A STRANGER TO KNOCK YOU UNCONSCIOUS, SHOVE A FOREIGN OBJECT INSIDE YOUR BODY AT A PLACE WHERE YOU DON’T WANT TO, AND FILM THE WHOLE THING.

Or as your doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy.

I HIRED A HANDYMAN TO DO SOME ODD JOBS AROUND THE HOUSE.

He did every other thing on the list.

THEY’RE BUILDING A MIRROR FACTORY IN MY TOWN.
I could see myself working there.

A MAN IN AN INTERROGATION ROOM SAYS, “I’M NOT SAYING A WORD WITHOUT MY LAWYER PRESENT.”

One of the cops replies, “You are the lawyer.”

The lawyer says, “Exactly, so where’s my present?”

MY BOSS SAID, “THIS IS THE THIRD TIME YOU’VE BEEN LATE FOR WORK THIS WEEK. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?”

I said, “That it’s only Wednesday.”

WHAT FLAVOR IS THE TOOTHPASTE IN JAIL?
Imprisonmint.

MY FRIEND ONCE USED LAUGHING GAS AS DEODORANT.
He smelled funny the whole day.

I HAD TO PACK IN MY JOB TESTING TREADMILLS RECENTLY.

I was really disillusioned…

And just felt I wasn’t going anywhere.

I TOLD MY NEPHEW THAT I SAW A DEER ON THE WAY TO WORK THIS MORNING.

He said, “How do you know it was on it’s way to work?”

A SALES GUY RINGS THE DOORBELL ON A HOUSE, AND THE DOOR IS OPENED BY A 12 YEAR OLD, HOLDING A GLASS OF COGNAC AND SMOKING A CIGAR.

The sales guy asks, “Is your dad home?”

The kid replies, “What do you think?”

gabbar:ye haath mujhe de de thakkur..

thakur:gap re yedya aapan kay paach teen doon khektoy ka ??yeda

A GERMAN SHEPHERD, A DOBERMAN, AND A CAT DIED.

In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”

“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.”

Then God asked, “Doberman, what do you believe in?”

The Doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.”

“Aha,” said God, “You may sit on my left.”

Then God looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”

“I believe,” replied the cat, “That you are sitting in my seat.”

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, you see.

I've always wondered if chickens communicated using fowl language. Maybe only when they're egg-cited.

WHY DON’T PIRATES SHOWER BEFORE THEY WALK THE PLANK?

Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.

I SAW A PACK OF GUMMY WORMS TODAY THAT SAID, “NO ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR.”

Who buys gummy worms hoping they’d taste as close to real worms as possible?

HOW DO HAMBURGERS WEAR THEIR HAIR?
In a bun.

Ekda ek maanus lagnala aalyacha tukda (ginger) gheun jaato. Ka?? Karan lagnachya patrikevar lihilela asta ..

Lagnala “aala”ch paahije

TOM’S WIFE SAID TO HIM THIS MORNING, “WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I WON THE LOTTERY?”

Tom said, “I’d take my half and leave you.”

Wife said, “Great! I won $12 yesterday, here’s your $6. Stay in touch.”

THE OTHER DAY I VISITED THE THRIFT SHOP AND PICKED UP AN OLD RECORD ALBUM CALLED “SOUND OF WASPS”.

When I got home and played it I realized it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the bee side.

A TEACHER TOLD HIS STUDENTS, “THE PERSON WHO ANSWERS MY NEXT QUESTION CORRECTLY GETS TO LEAVE CLASS EARLY.”

Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.

“Who threw that?!” the teacher shouted, angrily.

“Me!” piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. “Can I leave now?”

WHAT DO YOU CALL AN UGLY DINOSAUR?
An eyesaur.

Ravnachya lankela sonyachi lanka kaa mhantat.....????

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Karan ravnala lahanpani aai baba sonya mhanayche....!!!!!

4 mitra hotel madhe jataat..

waiter yeto ani sagle order detaat..

1st: 1 masala dosa

2nd: ajun 1 masala dosa

3rd: ajun 1 masala dosa

4th: CHALLENGE!!

EVERYONE KNOWS ALAN TURING WHO CRACKED ENIGMA CODES.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

THIS GIRL RAN UP TO ME AT THE CEMETERY LAST NIGHT AND SAID, “I NEED TO PASS THROUGH THE CEMETERY BUT I’M SCARED TO WALK ALONE. CAN YOU WALK THROUGH WITH ME?”

I said, “Oh yeah of course. Don’t worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too.”

WHAT DOES JAMES BOND’S DOORBELL SOUND LIKE?
“Dong, Ding Dong”.

MY FRIEND TONY ASKED ME NOT TO SAY HIS NAME BACKWARDS.
I said y not?

Mithun Chakravarthy aani paal madhye kaay farak aahe??

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mithun CHAKRAvarty ani paal BhINTIvarty..

एका फॅमिलीला पाच मुले असतात, पाहिल्याचे नाव असते एक , दुसऱ्याचे असते दोन , पाचव्याचे असते तीन , तर बाकी दोघांची नवे काय?

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साडे आणि माडे

एक दोन साडे माडे तीन विसरलात ?

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DOG AND A MARINE BIOLOGIST?

One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THE CAST OF ‘FRIENDS’ WAS STUCK OUT AT SEA IN A LIFE RAFT?

They were fine because of Lisa Kudrow.

ALADDIN HAS BEEN BANNED FROM THE MAGIC CARPET RACE.

Apparently, he’s been using performance-enhancing rugs.

I SAW A 3,000-YEAR-OLD OIL STAIN.
It was from ancient Greece.

I wish my parents would have sent me to military school in Switzerland. There they would have taught me how to be neutral.

TOM’S WIFE SAID, “I CAN THINK OF 14 REASONS TO LEAVE YOU, PLUS YOUR OBSESSION WITH TENNIS.”

Tom replied, “That’s 15 love.”

I TRIED TO FIND A PUN ABOUT CARPENTRY.
But nothing wood work.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GHOST CHICKEN?
A poultry-geist.

DOCTOR: SORRY SIR BUT YOUR BODY HAS RUN OUT OF MAGNESIUM.
Me: 0mg!

Did everyone forget the abbreviation to Maine or is it just ME?

Why do we celebrate Earth day once a year, when we celebrate Sun-Day once a week?

I ASKED MY GRANDPA, “AFTER 65 YEARS YOU STILL CALL GRANDMA DARLING, BEAUTIFUL, AND HONEY. WHAT’S YOUR SECRET?!”

He said, “I forgot her name 5 years ago, I’m too scared to ask her.”

I BUILT A MODEL OF MOUNT EVEREST AND MY SON ASKED, “IS IT TO SCALE?”

I replied, “No, it’s to look at.”

THE CEO OF IKEA WAS JUST ELECTED PRESIDENT IN SWEDEN.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

TOM’S WIFE JUST LEFT HIM. SHE SAYS THEIR LIFE REVOLVED AROUND FOOTBALL AND SHE’S SICK OF IT.

Tom;s quite upset. He said they were together for 7 seasons.

I ASKED MY FRIEND WHY HE DECIDED TO BUY A BOAT.
He said “There was a sail.

I STAYED IN A HOTEL LAST WEEK WHERE THE TOWELS WERE SO THICK…

I could hardly close my suitcase.

TOM’S GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP WITH HIM FOR BEING TOO “UN-AMERICAN”.

He saw it coming from a kilometer away.

I HAVE A CHICKEN PROOF LAWN.
It’s impeckable.

I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND SAW A BOOK TITLED “HOW TO SOLVE 50% OF YOUR PROBLEMS”.

I bought 2.

IN A FREAK ACCIDENT TODAY, A PHOTOGRAPHER WAS KILLED WHEN A HUGE LUMP OF CHEDDAR LANDED IN HIM.

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

I HATE SPELLING ERRORS.
You mix up two letters and your whole one-liner is urined.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A DOCTOR WHO SPECIALIZES IN ADAM’S APPLES?
A guyneckologist.

WHERE DOES A MANSPLAINER GET HIS WATER?
From a well, actually.

MY WIFE SAID TO ME, “WE JUST ATE, WHY ARE YOU MAKING PANCAKES?”

I said, “They’re for the dogs.”

She asked, “Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?”

I said, “They don’t know how.”

I WENT TO A DELI AND SAID, “I’D LIKE TO BUY A BAGEL WITH CREAM CHEESE.”

The kid behind the counter said, “Sorry we only take cash or credit cards.”

LION: YOU’RE LATE. WE SAID MEET AT SUNSET.

Giraffe: I can still see the sun, you midget.

MY PROFESSOR TOLD ME THAT I’M FAILING MY ETHICS CLASS.

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said, “What about now…?”

He visited a Dentist in Venice
He took the Canal Route....

Teacher: Which is Closest Planet to Sun?

Kid: Wait

Teacher: What Wait? Tell me fast.

Kid: Bata Raha hoo, Mar kyu Rahi Hai?

Teacher: Correct

Hothon se cho lo tum
Mera Jeep Hummer Kar do

MY FAVORITE TEACHER AT SCHOOL WAS MRS TURTLE.
Strange name, but she tortoise well.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW DOCUMENTARY ON BIKINI (ISLAND)?

It’s a two part series that’s quite revealing.

EVERYDAY WHEN I COME HOME FROM WORK I ASK MY DOG HOW HIS DAY WAS.

He always says the same thing.

Rough.

DID YOU KNOW THAT SPIDERMAN HAS A WINTER JACKET MADE ENTIRELY OF MEDITERRANEAN FLAT BREAD?

It’s a Pita Parka.

I WAS REVERSING MY CAR IN THE GARAGE AND ASKED MY SON TO SPOT ME, AND LET ME KNOW WHEN I HIT THE WALL.

I heard a bang.

“3:45 PM”, he said.

JAMES BOND SLEPT THROUGH AN EARTHQUAKE.
He was shaken, not stirred.

I GOT HIRED TO PAINT SOMEONE’S HOME.

I charged for the labor but not the paint.

The homeowner asked me, “Why didn’t you charge for the paint?”

I said, “Don’t worry about the paint. It’s on the house.”

MY WIFE ASKED ME TODAY IF I HAD SEEN THE DOG BOWL.

I said no I didn’t know he could.

I was accused of fogging the bathroom mirror
I did not see myself doing that.

ANYONE WANT MY OLD COPIES OF CHIROPRACTOR MONTHLY?
I have got loads of back issues.

DOES EVERY SENTENCE NEED TO INCLUDE A VEGETABLE?
Not neccescelery.

I ONCE MET AN ASTRONAUT WHO WAS CLAUSTROPHOBIC.

Turns out he just needed a little space.

I TOLD MY FRIEND THAT HE REALLY SHOULDN’T BE USING A STRAW AND HE REPLIED, “YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW, IT’S BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.”

I said, “Sure, there’s that…”

“But it’s just a really weird way of eating spaghetti.”

MY MENTOR ALWAYS TOLD ME, “DON’T BE QUICK TO FIND FAULTS.”

He was a good man.

Terrible Communicator though.

THE SCHOOL PHONED ME TODAY AND SAID, “YOUR SON’S BEEN TELLING LIES.”

I said, “Tell him he’s very good. I don’t have a son.”

WHEN I WAS A CHILD WE USED TO ROLL DOWN HILLS IN OLD TIRES.

Those were the good years.

शाळेत असताना सायकलचा तुटलेला ब्रेक घेऊन एका मित्राच्या भावाच्या लग्नाच्या वरातीत गेलो '

मित्राने विचारले का रे

मी म्हणले ' मला ब्रेक डान्स करायचा आहे '

WHY CAN’T TWO ELEPHANTS SWIM AT THE SAME TIME?
They only have a pair of trunks.

People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.

TOM’S WIFE SAID TO HIM, “I’M LEAVING. I AM SICK OF YOU WEARING A DIFFERENT T-SHIRT EVERY HALF AN HOUR.”

Tom said, “Wait. I can change.

FINALLY, MY WINTER FAT HAS GONE…
Now, I can have spring rolls.

Why doesn’t James Bond break wind in bed?
Because it would blow his cover.

SOME PEOPLE ALWAYS NEED THEIR OPINIONS VALIDATED.
Am I right?

I HAD TO FIRE THE GUY I HIRED TO MOW MY LAWN.
He just didn’t cut it.

I GOT CALLED PRETTY TODAY.

Well, actually, the full statement was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.

MY BOSS CALLS ME “THE COMPUTER”.

It’s nothing to do with intelligence; I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

I FIGURED OUT WHY TESLAS ARE SO EXPENSIVE.
It’s because they charge a lot.

I WAS ON A DIABETES AWARENESS WEBSITE AND IT ASKED ME IF I ACCEPT COOKIES…

Is this a trick question?

TOM GAVE HIS FRENCH GIRLFRIEND A PENDANT WITH “LE MONDE” CARVED IN IT.

It means the world to her.

I TOLD MY THERAPIST I CAN’T GET THE GREASE SOUNDTRACK OUT OF MY HEAD…

He said, “Tell me more”

PEOPLE CALL ME SELF CENTERED.
But that’s enough about them.

WHAT VEGETABLE DO YOU NEED WHEN YOU GET A FLAT TIRE?

A-spare-I-guess.

SOCIAL DISTANCING HAS BEEN PARTICULARLY STRESSFUL FOR THE FLAT EARTH SOCIETY.

They fear such measures will push someone over the edge.

MY FARMER FRIEND USED HIS GOVERNMENT GRANT AID TO BUY BABY CHICKENS.

He got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

IT HURTS ME TO SAY THIS BUT…
I have a sore throat.

I’M NOT WEARING GLASSES ANYMORE.
I’ve seen enough.

IF I’M BEING SUBJECTIVE, THE GREATEST SCI-FI SHOW OF ALL TIME IS DR. WHO.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

I BOUGHT A SAIL FOR MY BOAT ON AMAZON THE OTHER DAY.

Today it dawned on me that it’s not the right size so I called to cancel.

They said it’s too late.

That sail has shipped.

IT HURTS ME TO SAY THIS BUT…
I have a sore throat.

I’M NOT WEARING GLASSES ANYMORE.
I’ve seen enough.

IF I’M BEING SUBJECTIVE, THE GREATEST SCI-FI SHOW OF ALL TIME IS DR. WHO.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

ON MONDAY WE START DIARRHOEA AWARENESS WEEK.
Runs until Friday.

I’M DONE BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER.
If everyone’s okay with that?

I THOUGHT I HEARD SOMEONE SAY “HELLO” IN ARABIC.
But it was a false Salaam.

TODAY I LEARNED THAT IF A CANOE TURNS UPSIDE DOWN IN THE WATER, YOU CAN SAFELY WEAR IT ON YOUR HEAD.

Because it’s capsized.

WHY ARE BACTERIA SO BAD AT MATH?
Because they multiply by dividing.

A YOUNG BOY IS LISTENING TO THE RADIO IN THE CAR WITH HIS FATHER. “DAD, WHAT MUSIC DID YOU LIKE GROWING UP?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

MY FRIEND SAID, “MY KID REFUSES TO EAT FISH. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS A GOOD REPLACEMENT?”

I said, “Cats. Cats love fish.”

I HAD THE NASTIEST, RUDEST, SLOWEST CASHIER TODAY.

I guess it’s my own fault for using the self-service checkout.

TOM JUST HIRED A BEAUTIFUL 21 YEAR OLD GIRL TO LOOK AFTER HIS 1 YEAR OLD BABY.

Now he has two issues:

1. How to tell this to his wife.

2. Where to find a 1 year old baby.

THE SALESMAN AT THE FURNITURE STORE TOLD ME, “THIS SOFA WILL SEAT 5 PEOPLE WITHOUT ANY PROBLEMS.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language

WHAT DO YOU CALL A DINOSAUR WHO IS EASY TO CLEAN, HEAT RESISTANT AND LONG LASTING?

Py-rex.

I THINK THE GIRL AT THE AIRLINE CHECK-IN JUST THREATENED ME.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”

I laughed and replied, “Window or you’ll what

WHAT DO EXPLODING PANDAS EAT?
BamBOOM!

WHAT DO YOU CALL A FRENCH GUY BEING MAULED BY A LION?
Claude.

I HAVE A PENCIL THAT USED TO BELONG TO WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.

He chewed it a lot.

Now, I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLIND CARPENTER?
He picked up the hammer and saw.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A NATIVE ALASKAN EYE DOCTOR?
An optical Aleutian.

MY WIFE: YOU NEED TO DO MORE CHORES AROUND THE HOUSE.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you

I TOLD MY BOSS, “SORRY I’M LATE. I WAS HAVING COMPUTER ISSUES.”

He asked, “Hard drive?”

I said, “No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.”

WHAT DO YOU CALL A TYPO ON A HEADSTONE?
A grave mistake.

WHEN I MOVED INTO MY NEW IGLOO MY FRIENDS THREW ME A SURPRISE HOUSE-WARMING PARTY.

Now I’m homeless.

ON THE FIRST DAY OF MY FLYING LESSONS, I LOOKED DOWN NERVOUSLY AND ASKED MY INSTRUCTOR, “WHAT ARE ALL THESE BUTTONS FOR?”

He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

I ATE A KIDS MEAL AT MCDONALD’S TODAY.
His mom got really angry.

WHAT’S IT CALLED WHEN YOU TICKLE A MAN TO DEATH BY ACCIDENT?
Manslaughter.

MY WIFE WON’T LET ME GET A TATTOO OF A GRIZZLY ON EACH BICEP.

She is infringing on my right to bear arms.

How do you steal a Coat?
You jacket.

  rma and 4 others

I’m working on a fitness routine for INSECTS.

It’s going well, but I’m still trying to work out the bugs.

The Adjective for METAL is METALLIC, but not so for IRON…
Which is ironic.

I asked my wife to cook me a Japanese meal for our anniversary

SUSHI did

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

WHY WAS THE LAMP NOT HEAVY?

Because it’s light.

AUSTRALIA’S biggest EXPORT IS BOOMERANGS.

and also its their biggest IMPORT

SOMEONE JUST CALLED MY PHONE, SNEEZED AND THEN JUST HUNG UP.

I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his Evil Twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker.

I invented a car that moves only when the Driver is silent
It goes without saying…

IAMONTHEMOONANDTHEREISNOWHERETOGETABEER.
Thereisnospacebar.

Tom's boss said, “I FIND IT HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS THAT YOU ARE ONLY SICK ON WEEKDAYS.”

Tom said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

Finally something that is not made in china.

I just bought a T.V. and it said, “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is!

what do you call a detective electrician?

Sherlock Ohms.

What do you call a half MAN half HORSE in the middle of an Army formation?

The centaur of attention.

What's it called when you kill CHICKPEAS?
Hummuside.

What do you call a calculator that works instantly?

A Calcunow.

After playing Guitar for years, I thought I could learn to play the Piano.

But it's not an easy Instrument to pick up

THE MOVIE SPEED DIDN’T HAVE A DIRECTOR.

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

Why Did the small pepper wear a sweater?
It was a little chili.

What do you call a fast ESCALATOR?
An ESCASOONER.

A Massage Therapist got Fired.
I guess he rubbed too many people the wrong way.

A Massage Therapist got Fired.
I guess he rubbed too many people the wrong way.

What’s the last thing Jeff Bezos does before bed?
He puts his Pajamazon.

What has five toes but isn't your foot?
My foot.

I TOLD MY CARPENTER I DIDN’T WANT CARPETED STEPS.
He gave me a blank stair.

How did the Computer Hackers get away from the scene of the Crime?

I think they just RANsomware

WHY WAS THE KING ONLY 12 INCHES TALL?
Because he was a ruler.

EVERYONE HAS HEARD OF THE HISTORICAL FIGURE, KARL MARX.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the first word you thought of

There was an election amongst the elements of the periodic table and Iron voted for Zinc...

... because Zinc was able to galvanize Iron

Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If Tom had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of his good friends would still be living.

Seen on the door of a repair shop:

WE CAN FIX ANYTHING. (Please knock on the door—the bell doesn't work.)

आज कोजागिरी उद्या हॅलोविन म्हणजे दुग्धापिशाच्च योग जुळून आहे इकडे

A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.

Old lawyers never die; they just lose their appeal.

Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance. 

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Feminist jumps out of a manhole … oh, and she didn't like that.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous

Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021

i have stopped jogging because joggers are the ones who always first spot the dead bodies on TV/Movies.

My friend is from Kerala. His niece calls him Ankle and he calls her knees. They have a 'Joint' Family.

I saw an expiration day on an anti-aging cream. Now that’s just a scam!        

Spotted in a safari park:

*ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR* 

Sign: In a London department store:

*BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS*

Sign: In a Laundromat:

*AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT*

Sign: In an

office:

*TOILET OUT

OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW*

I’m always getting run over by the same bike, same day every month, same place, month after month... It's a seriously vicious cycle.

I dig, you dig, she dig, we dig, you dig…the poem may not be beautiful, but it's certainly very deep.

I can’t stand it when people repeat themselves pointlessly. I just can’t stand it!

Aim for the stars! But first take care of the bodyguards.

I took up fencing. - The police insist I have to give it back.

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

The most exciting beverage for a soccer player? The penaltea!

Toilet paper plays an important role in our lives.

One pen to the other: You are INKredible

Two weirdly dressed strangers knocked on my door yesterday. They insisted I need to be saved, by God!!! Told them to buzz off and bother somebody else. These firemen.

(Based on real incidence last week in normal form)

If you’re holding a bee, what is in your eye? - Beauty.

Because, Beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

After all that we have been through right now, the only thing missing would be the vaccine getting released in suppository form. 

If you touch 2020 Calender, you will be shocked. Because its the current year.

 s

My washing machine only accepts the Bermudas these days. I put in a pair of jeans and a message popped up : “Stay Home!”

I need to social distance myself from my fridge; I tested positive for excess weight!

I’m starting to like this mask thing. I went to the supermarket yesterday and two people that I owe money to didn’t recognize me. 

Quarantine seems like a Netflix series: just when you think it's over, they release the next season.

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

If you drink turmeric milk regularly, it will make you हल्दी

Ghosts have their own Atmasphere 

I had sore throat once. It took me few vicks to recover... 

ighbour is fed up with husband who is a garment manufacturer — woh aajkal bahut hosiery dikha raha hai!

I wanted to marry a photojournalist, par paparazzi nahi hue

People with a paunch want to show that they have a well “तोंड” body

Who called it family planning and not जनration?

When I saw a snake for the first time, I was सर्पrised

What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher? Use acute angle.

Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.

 What do you call dudes who love math? Algebros

Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably.

What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date? The odd couple (but 7 is in her prime).

What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place? A Roamin’ numeral.

Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated? Because it is never right.

Every cough has its spray!

Curiosity killed the doc!

Rome wasn't infected in a day!

One man's mask is another man's poison!

Homestay is the best policy!

Divided we live, United we die!

What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane. 

Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.

The Lockdown is like the movie Dabangg.

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I am going to concentrate on getting taller!!

Come on *Pat-Anjali* what *Ayurveding* for ?

Kya tujhe hammer se darr lagta hai?

*Ha, thoda sa*              

The gardening season is off to a great start.

I planted myself in front of the TV five weeks ago, and I've already grown noticeably. 

Jitne conditions Lockdown ke advisory mein hai, utne conditions toh Mutual Fund  mein bhi nahi hote!! . 

Visited a dentist named Simran. She asked _where are you feeling the pain?_

 Me: *Jaw Simran Jaw*.                     

लहान वड्याला चि. वडा म्हणतात

I really don't care who takes bath daily. It ** of my business.         

Last night I had an extra spicy garlic chutney. This morning I learnt my *lehsun

*Arsenal* naam hi galat hai. *

Without a parlour/barber, we look barbaric.

What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".

Tom asked his wife to dress up as a nurse one night...

Tom and his wife child-proofed their home, but they are still getting in.

With Due apologies to chess fans:

T

Tom was playing chess with his son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So they stopped playing chess. 


Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?

Tom was taking care of his friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into  Tom’s freezer and died.

Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.

Tom wondered what his parents did to fight boredom before the internet

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?

Tom: I'll have a Corona please.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long. 

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?

What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.

I showed up late to a cannibal party.

The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit

What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?

A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist

"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" '

Receptionist: “Don't you mean "or you're History?” 

"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"* 

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack

I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!

But it didn't affect me

It didn't affect me

It didn't affect me

It didn't affect me... 

Genie: "What’s your first wish?"

Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial) 

Me: When is your birthday?

She: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room*  When is your birthday

What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.

Conductor on the train: "But Sir, you cannot travel with this. This is a child's ticket. You are at least 19 years old.

Me: That's how long your delay was.

Are you an avid reader? No I've never read avid.

Have you ever read a book by Shakespeare? No only by candlelight.

He was born on the 1st of the month, so they called him Bill!

A baby swallowed a pin. Luckily it was a safety pin!

What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles?
UCLA

Someone Stole My Microsoft Office and they are going to pay. You have my Word

Why don’t chefs find coronavirus jokes funny? They’re in bad taste.


Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? 

It’s a long story….

I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. 

Times are rough.

Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means. 

No one will be crossing the finish line.

Why did the car get a flat tire?

Why did the developer go broke?

Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?

old my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?Because it got stuck in a crack.

Why did the woman go on the date with the mushroom? 

"I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone."

I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses."

I want to go camping every year. That trip was so in tents.

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day.

I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition. Just hope I can pull it off." 

I had a job drilling holes for water – it was well boring.

Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till New Years

If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself." 

I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning 'Are we then yet?'"

I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password.

"I think if you were hardcore anti-feminism, surely you wouldn't call yourself ‘anti-feminism' would you? You'd call yourself 'Uncle Feminism'.

My friend said he was giving up drinking from Monday to Friday. I'm just worried he's going to dehydrate"

The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, 'Aah, I've used too much'

Golf is not just a good walk ruined, it's also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined.

Today... I did seven press ups: not in a row.

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” 

Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.

My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.

Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door's always open.

I want to go camping every year. That trip was so in tents.

What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. But it's only mild.

What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep? Well, now, all of them.

What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz? Cheese Was.

Why did the teacher love the whiteboard? She just thought it was remarkable!

Five guys walk into a bar. You think one of them would've seen it.

What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.

What did the finger say to the thumb? I'm in glove with you.

What did the drummer call his two twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two.

There's no hole in your shoe? Then how'd you get your foot in it?

What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment.

A chicken coup only has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

What are the biggest enemies of caterpillars? Dogerpillers.

It's hard to teach kleptomaniacs humor. They take things so literally.

A cowherd counted 48 cows on his property. But when he rounded them up, he had 50.

Sunny-side up, scrambled, or an omelet? It doesn't matter. They're all eggcellent.

What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.

Don't worry if you miss a gym session. Everything will work out.

I used to hate facial hair but then it grew on me.

\Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots? He was picking his nose.

I watched hockey before it was cool. They were basically swimming.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

What do an apple and an orange have in common? Neither one can drive.

What did the lawyer wear to court? A lawsuit!

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.

Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot.

How do you feel when there's no coffee?  Depresso.

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!

I was sitting in traffic the other day.  Probably why I got run over.

How does your feline shop? By reading a catalogue.

What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?"Oops!"

It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad. It's a faux pa.

What's the award for being best dentist? A little plaque.

What do you call a boomerang that never comes back? A stick.

I'm thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it's only holding me back.

Have you heard of the band 923 Megabytes? Probably not, they haven't had a gig yet.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? Bob.

What's green, fuzzy, and would hurt if it fell on you out of a tree? A pool table.

Why do you smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

What do you tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast!

What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? "Robin, get in the car."

What did Winnie the Pooh say to his agent? "Show me the honey!" 

Why do fish live in saltwater? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Do you remember that joke I told you about my spine? It was about a weak back!

What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?Artificial Swedener.

What kind of dogs love car racing? Lap dogs!

What do you call birds who stick together? Vel-crows.

What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos? A chipmunk!

What does a house wear? Address!

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do 

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? "Oh 

My favorite word is "drool." It just rolls off the tongue.

What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick? Put it on my bill!

A horse walks into a bar

The bartender says, "Hey."

The horse says, "Sure."

What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes? Corny!

Why didn't the astronaut come home to his wife? 

What do bees do if they need a ride? Wait at the buzz stop!

What streets to ghosts haunt? Dead ends!

Where did the computer go dancing? The disc-o!

What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid!

What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain? Hi Cliff!

What do you call a dangerous sun shower? A rain of terror!

What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad!

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!

And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth; and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What do you call a hippie's wife? A Mississippi!

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!

Who invented the round table? Sir Cumference.

How can you make seven an even number? Just take away the "s!"

Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in!

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

Q: What will you call a person who steals only apple products?
A: Thieve Jobs! 

Girls are like domain names.

The ones you like are already taken.

(Read Boys if you are a Girl or 

Read whoever you like to be politically correct )

George knocked on the door of his friend's house.

When his friend's mother answered he asked, 'can Albert come out to play?'

'No, said the mother, 'it's too cold.'

'Well, then,' said George, ' can his football come out to play?'

There are two types of people on the planet...

Those who can extrapolate information based upon the given context...

Why was the man arrested for looking at sets of dentures in a dentist's window?

Because it was against the law to pick your teeth in public.

Why do you never play hide and seek with mountains?

Mountains peak

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground. Being the only adult around, I had to step in.

They didn’t stand a chance.

And the award for the best neckwear goes to...

Well, would you look at that, it's a tie!

What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?

Fizzyscists

Why are two idiots fighting on a motorcycle?

A: They are fighting because they both want to sit next to the window.

What part of America can't sell full sized soft drinks?

Minnesota.

What's the biggest city in the United States?

Obesity.

A psychic is buying clothes.

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: You didn't even try

Psychic: I'm a medium.

How many cops does it take to push a man down the stairs?

None. "He fell."

Yesterday Tom gave up his seat on the bus for a blind person.

Today Tom lost his job as a bus driver.

When I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas she told me, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace."

So I bought her nothing.

What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

My wife said she's had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up.

So I just packed my bags and right.

The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds – they mature slowly. 

A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

If I bought a balloon for 99 cents...

How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?

Q: What exercise do Hairdressers do in the gym?

A: Curls.

What do you call an Englishman in the World Cup final?

The referee.

Customer: Could you please call me a cab?

Little Johnny: OK... "You're a cab."

If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes, she will.

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it!

Why was the computer tired when he got home?

Because he had a hard drive.

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.

We should've known communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

I was in a taxi today and the driver said "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."

Then I said, "Turn left."

Thanks for explaining the word ”many” to me.

It means a lot.

While most Puns make me Numb,

Maths Pun makes me feel Number

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

As the food was served, the husband said, "The Food looks delicious, let’s eat."

"Honey..." says the wife, "Aren't you going to say a prayer before eating?"

"That’s for home sweetheart. Here the chef knows how to cook."

Tom has just been fired from the clock making factory...

after all those extra hours he put in.

A solar panel is talking to a wind turbine and asks, "So what do you think about this whole renewable energy thing?"

The turbine replies, "I'm a big fan."

What happened to the overconfident lion-tamer?

He was consumed by his own pride.

Are Well and Actually both one-syllable words?

Well Yes, But Actually No

Don't Commit Sin...

...Go For Cos and Tan Instead!

I met an Asian girl today with the last name of "China."

It was her made-in name.

Dad can you tell are what a solar eclipse is? 

No Son

I want to say comforters are superior to quilts.

But I don’t like to make blanket statements.

What do cannibals call unvaccinated children?

Organic food

Why haven't we found aliens yet?

Because they are searching for intelligent life too.

What do you call a procrastinating woodpecker?

A wouldpecker.

After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired.

Adios, amigo.

Which side of the chicken has more feathers?

The outside.

Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!

Yes sir, it's fresh ground!

Why are New Yorkers so depressed?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day.

He discovered he was a tad Polish.

I went to Chinatown today, but there were too many bright lights.

So I asked them to dim sum.

I was waiting at the bus stop.

A woman said, "How long will the next one be?"

I said, "Probably about thirty feet."

The inventor of autocorrect died today.

His funfair will be hello on sundial.

I was asked to write a 1,000 word essay for class.

But I just turned in a picture instead.

I wrote a book on penguins...

In hindsight, paper would have been much easier.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"

"No it doesn't", I said.

I recently started the new Brexit diet.

So far I've lost hundreds of millions of pounds.

When do S and C sound the same?

When it's necessary.

What makes a good tongue-twister?

Well, it's hard to say...

What is it called when buckets of paint conspire with each other?

A color scheme

Johnny has 32 cookies. He eats 28 of them. What does he have now?

Diabetes, Johnny has diabetes.

My friend David had his ID stolen.

Now he's just Dav.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

What do you call a fat psychic? A For-Chin Teller

Local man killed by falling piano. It will be a low key funeral.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? 

An irrelephant!

Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?

He pasta way.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

 He couldn't see himself doing it.

Why are cats bad storytellers?

Because they only have one tale.

Why are colds such bad robbers?Because they’re so easy to catch.

How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment?

Ten ants.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye
 Matey.

What did the pirate get on his report card? 

Seven Cs!

I’m terrified of elevators…… so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neel.

A communist joke isn’t funny… … unless everyone gets it.

I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? 

A can't opener!

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

 Nobody knows!

How many ears does Spock have?

Three. 

The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!

What's at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?

A nervous wreck!

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."

Why did the golfer change his pants? 

Because he got a hole in one!

What does a baby computer call his father? 

Data!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O. 

I have an eating disorder; I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets

Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, “I've lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy

I see you have some graph paper. You must be plotting something

Which engineering college has a doubt over its existence? 

RV College of Engineering 

With greater power comes greater difficulty in factorizing the polynomial.   

A man was hospitalized when he swallowed 6 plastic horses. The doctor described his condition as stable.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because he felt crummy.

How do you repair a broken tomato? 

Tomato Paste!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

What do you get from a pampered cow? 

Spoiled milk.

How do you tease fruit?

Banananananananana!

 Why was the pelican kicked out of the hotel?

Because he had a big bill!

Why didn’t the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone?

Jell-o!

What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!

What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? 
A water bed!

What car does Jesus drive? 

A Christler.

Why did the pig leave the party early? Because everyone thought he was a boar.

What did the tie say to the hat? 

You go on ahead and I’ll hang around!

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? 

They don’t have the guts.

Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? 

So he could have sweet dreams.

When do you stop at green and go at red?

When you’re eating a watermelon!

Where do bees go to the bathroom? 

At the BP station!

When does a cart come before a horse?

In the dictionary!

What do you call a surgeon with eight arms? 

A doctopus!

Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? 

Because he wanted to work over-time!

What letters are not in the alphabet? 

The ones in the mail, of course!

What kinds of crackers do firemen like in their soup? '

Firecrackers!

What did the judge say to the dentist? 

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? 

He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!

Why did the teacher jump into the lake? 

Because she wanted to test the waters!

Why did the belt go to jail?

Because it held up a pair of pants!

Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

Because he had a great fall.

What has one horn and gives milk A milk truck.

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke.Thank goodness it was a soft drink.

What gets wetter the more it dries? 

A towel.

What runs but can’t walk? The faucet!

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!

What disappears when you stand up? 

Your lap.

Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.

What kind of dog tells time? A watch dog!

What’s taken before you get it? Your picture.

Where do bulls get their messages On a bull-etin board.

What does a grape say after it’s stepped on?  Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? You’re too young to smoke.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Everything’s fine. He woke up.

What happens when a frog’s car breaks down? It gets toad away.

What did the porcupine say to the cactus? “Is that you mommy?”

What do you call someone wearing a belt with a watch attached to it? A waist of time.

What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

What has four eyes but can’t see? Mississippi!

Why did the man with one hand cross the road? 

To get to the second hand shop.

Why are ghosts such bad liars?

Because you can see right through them

Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?

He was looking for his buddy .

Why should you not let a bear operate the remote?

He will keep pressing the paws .

Why did the clock go to the principal’s office?
For tocking too much.

When will the little snake arrive?

I don’t know, but he won’t be 

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be bagels

Why did the man run around his bed?

He was trying to catch up on !

Why is the grass so dangerous?

It’s full of 

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice !

What’s the biggest moth in the world?

A mammoth.

How do mountains stay warm in winter?                      

Snowcaps

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn .

Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?

Lack of concentration

What did the limestone say to the geologist?

Don’t take me for !

What did one plate say to the other plate?

Dinner’s on 

Pappu bada dukhi tha! 

Ek dost ne uss se poocha, “Kyu, tension mein ho?” 

Pappu: Yaar ek dost ko plastic surgery ke liye 3 lakh rupeey diye thay, ab sale ko peehchan nahi pa raha hoon!

Pappu to Dokandar: Is mirror ki kya guarantee hai? 

Dokandar: Aap iss ko 100 floor se nechay girao, mirror 99 floor tak nahi toote ga. 

Pappu: Wah bahut badhiya, pack kar do!

If time doesn’t wait for you.

Don’t Worry

Just remove the damn battery from the clock and enjoy your life

 Which building has the most stories?

Library

Law Professor: Which is the most important Law of finance for starting a business?

Student: Father in Law

Height of Kanjusi: Looking for Second Hand Nano Car, Preferably with  Gas Kit.

Bhains par baith ke jaane wale jat ko police ne rok ke poocha: Aap Ka Helmet kaha

Hai ? Fine Lagege

Jat bola: Re Bawale, dhyan se dekh , neecha 4 wheeler hai

Ek Sharaabi Saadhu se takra gaya. Saadhu bola: Murkh Mai tuze shaap deta hoon…

Sharaabi bola: Ruko, Mai glass le aata hoon.

I stand corrected," said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again

I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

Wanna hear a joke about Potassium? Whether they say 'yes' or 'no': K.

I will give my right arm to be ambidextrous

A magician was going down the road and turned into a driveway

Don’t judge books by its Movie

What is red and bad for your teeth?

A Brick

A picture is worth thousand words but it takes longer to load

Ikea sponsored our Local School

Now Assembly takes Ages

When do you good deed keep a receipt. What if Heaven is anything like Income Tax

Two Peanuts walk into a bar, One was Salted

Two Wrongs don’t make Right but two Wrights can definitely make an Airplane

Last week a hypnotist convinced me that I am a soft, malleable metal with atomic number 82

I am easily Lead

A physicist is trying to talk out a man of the tip of Empire State Building:

He says: “Don’t jump you have so much Potential”

Math derivation went to roadies.

Raghu asked why u came here?

It replied, “I just want to prove myself

Weight loss frustration.. " Pran jaye par wajan na jaye..!"

If johnny depp does Devdas.. there'll be Jack's paro !!

Who taught the pandavas and kauravas about unmanned aerial vehicles ?

Drone-acharya

When is your door not actually a door?

When it’s actually ajar.

What’s red and shaped like a bucket?

A blue bucket painted red.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

Because there will be mass confusion

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

“Oh sheet!”

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”

Patient: “What do you mean, 10? Ten what? Months? Weeks?!”

Doctor: “Nine.”

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counsellor?

It needed help figuring out its problems.

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blood

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt!

How do you pronounce repertoire?"

"You know the word 'report' right?"

"Yeah"

"Now say it like a Bihari"

"ripatwa... ohhhh"

We are against reservation. - IRCTC

Me - aaiye aunty baithiye.

 God never tasted any cough syrup, because khuda-na-khasta

Vishwanathan Anand gets tensed when the waiter in the hotel says 'Sir Check'

Just saw a snake in Starbucks so I gently threw my coffee cup on its head to kill it so that saanp bhi mar jaye aur latte bhi na toote.

termites on date*

Waiter: what would you like to order, sir?

Termite: table for two.

Friends pay restaurant bills on a de-tu-de basis.

Rahul Dravid's wristwatch is technically a wall clock

What did Jaya say to Abhishek when they saw Amitabh coming home in a rickshaw, "Rickshey mein toh woh tumhare baap lagte hai"

Toll Booths are nothing but Bill Gates

A triangle asks
"Tu jaanta hai mera baap cone hai" ...and rotates 360°.

An old lady asked me the way to the temple, I replied 'Magistrate.'

I asked you to bring 8 chapati but you brought only 6."

"Nahi sir, aapko kulche dikh rahe hai, paranthe."

What did one circumference tell the other?

Never say "give me five" to a snake. Woh tumhe dus dega.

My watch is stuck between 2 and 2.30. It's a do or dhai situation

You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water,
if it sinks, it's girl ant, but if it floats, buoyant.

Roshesh fan club:

Likh Do Paigam Kuch Aisa Ke 

Kalam Bhi Rone Par Majbur Ho Jaye 

Wah Wah

Har Lafz Me Dard Bharo Itna Ke

Examiner Bhi 35 Marks Dene Pe Majbur Ho Jaye

At an interview: “In the beginning, you’ll be earning 20 000, later on it can go up to 40 000.”

“OK, I’ll come again later then.”

 

Me: Chai pls...

Air Hostess: Lo chai....

Me: ulfat ho gaya...

Anything is possible in Bollywood. Like playing Basketball with a Football in Tennis dress on a Golf Course

Venn diagram of 'Nainon mein sapna, sapnein mein sajna'. 

What do you call bees that are fat? Obeese.

After manually rotating the heavy machinery, the worker grew pretty cranky.

The incompetent telegrapher was a weapon of 

Insects really bug me!

The best way to communicate with 

The pilot was a loner but even for him flying a drone was simply too remote.

I was getting into my car the other day and a man said 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, chase your dreams, go for it!'

Waking up this morning

British TVs have to cross the English Channel in order to Brexit.

She had a photographic memory but never developed it.

Britain

Italian building inspectors in 

\

The librarian didn't know what to do with the book about

I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday because Monday to Friday are weak days

What happened to the rich guy with the double chin? He made a four chin.

How does a farmer count his cows? With a cow-culator.

What's the best time to go to the 

Waking up this morning

He slept like a log during the night shift and was axed when he woke up!

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box.

Telling a demolitionist how to do his job is destructive criticism

Aapko pataa hai ki Popcorn ko garm tave par rakhne par wo uchhalte kyun hai?

.

Nahi pata ..?

Kabhi khud baith kar dekhna ..

Pata chal jayega!!

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless!

टी टी: - ये विकलांग लोगों का डिब्बा है इसमें क्यों 

सफर कर रहे हो...???

पप्पू: जी सर मेरे साथ ये है...!!

टी टी: - ये तो आम है।

पप्पू: - हाँ लेकिन ये लँगड़ा आम है... 

आज का ज्ञान: -

Was watching an awards function

Shahrukh Khan ke ghar ka Fan bahut slow hai..

kyuki usse haule haule se hawa lagti hai

Dont debate with someone who has better internet and typing speed

बड़ी खोजबीन के बाद अब कही जाकर

"एडमिन" का हिंदी नाम मिला -

"झुण्ड नियंत्रक"

और "सेल्फी" का भी नया हिंदी नाम मिल गया है |

"खुद्खेचू"

"Whats app" का हिंदी शब्द

"जन धन निशुल्क गपशप योजना"

Mirchi Muuh ke alaawa aur kaha lagti hai?

.

?

.

?

Kheton me lagti hai

What do you call a husband who returns home

.

.

.

Pati-ala-house!!!

You can become an engineer if you study in an engineering college. You cannot become a president if you studies in Presidency College.

Sir:Why is Electric Wire placed so high......

Why did Joy put his Radio in the Refrigator..

You will get caught 45 times if you commit 90 sins..why..

Professor How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects.

Student: Don-t bite any

Professor asked a plumber to come to his college, You know why..

Name a man who is afraid of spies..

Teacher: What do you call a person with 6 guns.

Which Bollywood song has words from metallurgy..

Aisi Jagah batao jaha caves mein nishan banaya hota hai..

Denmark

जिंदगी बहुत छोटी है,

इसे किसी से नफरत करने या बदला लेने में बर्बाद ना करें…

खुद की तरक्की में बितायें…

क्योंकि आप इंसान है,

पाकिस्तान नहीं….

Pakistani on the moon:

Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem..

Q:What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?

A: ...... Problem Solved!!!!

Today is Valentine's Day — or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day! - Jay Leno

Want to hear a joke about construction? No, I'm still working on it.

The speed of "Yaar mughe laag gaye hai(Toilet)" is faster than

1 Admi ne EK ungli se 8 admi ko upar pahucha diya

aur wo rajnikant b nahi tha

Batao kese?

Lift se yaar

Latest Ranking of Top 5 Universities in India

1. Paan Ki Dukaan

2. Hair Cutting Saloon

3. Railway ka Dibba

4. Facebook

5. Whatsapp

Spreading Gyaan.....

Choti-Choti magar ek bahot badi baat:

Ek bat zindagi mein hamesha yaad rakhna

"Jab hawa chalti hai to pattay hilte hain

aur

--

--

Jab nahi chalti to nahi hilte"

Wo Kaunsi cheez hai jo fridge mein 
rakhne ke baad bhi garam rahti hai
.
.
Ans
Garam Masala

How does NASA organize a party?

They planet

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

Two soldiers are in a tank.

One looks at the other and says, “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB.”

What’s red and moves up and down?

A tomato in an elevator

What’s a foot long and slippery?

A slipper.

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

How Long is a Chinese man’s name.

No, it actually is.

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

 I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me.

What do you call bears with no ears?

B

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

Gabbar: " What is your favorite book?"

Thakur: "A Farewell to Arms"

"I am hungary."

"Maybe you should czech the fridge."

"I'm russian to the kitchen."

"Is there any turkey?"

"We have some, but it's covered in greece"

"ew, there's norway I'd eat that!"

What did one DNA said to another DNA?

Do these Genes make me look fat?

Long Fairy Tales have a tendency to Dragon

I was in Dahilemma

Pappu: Verb

What do you call people who dont believe in going to Gym?

GymNastiks

Customer : Wifi nahi chal raha hain

Customer Care: modem restart karo

Customer : Abhi bhi nahi chal raha hai

Customer Care: Abhi ko bhi restart karo

My Statistics teacher told me that I am average. He is so Mean.

River cannot hear because woh behri hoti hain

A zoo claimed to have five rhinos.

But Visitors could see only Four

Maybe they have hidden  AGENDA

Teacher : नाड़े ko english में kya kehte hai...???  

Boy: I am in love with you, totally... Girl: Tu Totla! Tela Baap Totla!

You heard the rumor going around about butter? Nevermind, I shouldn't spread it.

Once five house lizards were climbing on the wall. One lizard started to sing a song. Moment it stopped singing other four fell down from the wall. Why??

Kadar Khan aur Shakti Kapoor dono bus stop pe khade the... 


Bus aai aur Kadar Khan chad jata hai per Shakti Kapoor nahin jata. 

Kyon??? 

↓

↓

 
Answer: Qyonkieeeeeee woh Shakti Kapoor dusri bus ke wait kar raha tha

Sam: Mai paida Mumbai me hua, Par padhai Chennai se ki hai . Tom: Phir to rooj aane-jane me bahut der lagti hogi na?

An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Years Eve. One was charged and the other was let off. 

Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his piece of birthday cake?

He was stuffed.

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe? Kilometry Cyprus.

I am hungary."

What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate clauses.

Simple…
Its 1/3 (pi*r*r*h)

Its because he repeatedly keeps on saying,
“Mai CONE hoon”

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe? ... 

Kilometry Cyprus

I prefer cold weather…

But only to a certain degree

I asked a friend of mine what he is doing. He told me, he is working on, "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment".

I was impressed! On further asking, I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water... under his wife's supervision!

They’re building a restaurant on Mars now. They say the food will be great, but they’re worried about a lack of atmosphere.

Dronacharya ne Ekalavya ka angutha liya

Arjun Ko Dhanurvidya ki poori aur acchi shiksha meeli

Lekin Karan us shiksha se vanchit rehkar bhi utnehi acche dhanurdhar bane

To Vastav mein hero Kaun tha

Sanjay Dutt

(Sawaal Theekse Padho)

If you want a job in the moisturizer industry, the best advice one can give is to apply daily.

Why was Astronaut's Wife Unhappy?

Kyonki Uska Pati Ab Iss Duniya Mein Nahin Raha

I gave all my dead batteries away today... Free of charge.

Which song is this???12.99999999999

Tera Hone Laga Hoon

What will you call a person who has black Eyes

Ru Ru Why ..

Yeh Kaali Kaali Aankhen Tu RuRu Tu RuRu