Imperfect Perfection

 

We see an imperfect world all around us.  We have seen senseless shootings. There is an unending war. We have seen prices rise and economies heading toward recession. We are not fully out of the pandemic. Droughts, floods, and storms warn us of the grim realities of climate change. India losing a test match that it should have won. We see pain all around us and yet we yearn for perfection in our daily lives. We strive to create a perfect world around us. We tend to show the world through our social media how we are living a perfect world. Everyone tries to be perfect. But there are downsides to being a perfectionist. 

What is perfectionism? It is a self-oriented, irrational desire to be perfect while perceiving excessive expectations from others as well as placing unrealistic standards on others. What’s the downside? Researchers say that seeking perfection can create paralysis that hurts productivity.  You delay doing difficult tasks being scared of doing the second-best thing.   That insecurity undermines your confidence. Another downside of perfectionism is that it’s much harder to delegate. You think that no one can do tasks as best as you can do.  You can’t build a team if you can’t delegate. That impedes the growth 

In reality, there is enough of evidence that the world isn’t changed by people doing perfect work at all. In fact, the world is driven by people doing their best to improve or create things against incredible odds and failing in uncountable ways along the journey as Edison had said.  Darwin has said that evolution was driving this pattern for millions of years before we even arrived on this planet. Nature doesn’t know or celebrate ‘perfect.’ It is always a work in progress. Cells are changing and dying even before the organism is fully grown. In the wilderness, there are zero perfect trees, plants, or animals just like us. 

In this imperfect world what advice can you render to a teenager or a young adult? 

First, we need to know ourselves.  We aren’t born with a well-formed ability to step outside ourselves and look at ourselves objectively. We naturally spend our lives stuck in our own heads unable to separate the criticisms we hear in our heads from our true selves.   We can treat ourselves with the same grace and care we as would a good friend.  Journal writing, reading, and talking to well-meaning friends are also good tools. 

Then we need to celebrate ourselves always. We don’t need to wait on perfection or massive life milestones to celebrate ourselves. We need to celebrate everything. Every day we should give ourselves a huge hug and tell how wonderful a job we are doing in our life. This creates a space for that inner self-criticism. 

We need to practice imperfection- If you’re bent toward ‘perfect,’ sometimes it’s wonderful to practice imperfect. We can allocate a time window and force ourselves to get something out in the world that we know in advance won’t be perfect. Another exercise that can be helpful is to do something imperfect intentionally to celebrate imperfection and the space it creates. 

We need to take note of your grading of others. While developing close friendships, leading people, and becoming a parent we hold grace for other people. Surprisingly in each role above, we tend to be more understanding to other people than ourselves, especially as a parent. As a parent, you see your kid utterly and perfectly complete just as you are. Watching the way we accept our kids, and beginning gingerly to apply that kind of acceptance and care to ourselves we can change our lives.  This will help you feel comfortable about yourself in the state of imperfection. 

So are there any alternatives to perfectionism? Scientists have suggested selective perfectionism, choosing when a task is worth any effort that’s above and beyond and when it’s not. The biggest obstacle for the perfectionist is letting good enough be good enough.  A perfectionist doesn’t even know what it means to not be perfect. They don’t know what good enough is. It’s an all-or-nothing way of evaluating things. Work is amazing or a disaster. Scientists say this binary thought process has to give way to selective perfectionism. 

To get past the pursuit of perfection and find a balance, scientists suggest using a technique called “Max, Mod, and Min.” Before you start a task, write out the maximum you could do for that task, the minimum you could do, and the moderate–a happy medium of the two. This allows you to break binary thinking. You can find options to right-size an approach for any task or circumstance. Defining three levels of performance for a task builds edges that help you move forward. 

Scientists have added an example of this approach:  if you have to write a report, define the max, the min, and the mod results. For the max, you could write a report that covers all angles, includes a variety of sources, the latest research, the history of the subject, and more. This might take a lot of time. To take a min approach, you could use the information you have, frame it into a template, and call it done. This level would take the least amount of time and effort. Finally, taking the mod approach would involve adding one or two elements above the minimum. Same thing you can do while delegating the tasks. You don’t want an employee to deliver a 15-page PowerPoint when you wanted a memo. When you give someone an assignment, talk about the levels of performance, and choose the right fit. 

To conclude, stop trying so damn hard to be invincible and perfect, and just be yourself. The more you can bring your entire self to everything you do the better you’ll feel and the better you’ll be. You’ll not only eliminate emotionally draining anxiety but also forge more genuine connections with others, opening yourself up to support when you need it.